Planning world domination with Google
February 2010
Like pretty much everybody else on the planet, I use Google. If I want to search for something on the internet, I wouldn’t even think of going to another search engine. I don’t even use the term "search" anymore. If I need to find something I say "I’ll Google it". I know I’m not the only person who does this because I hear the term all the time. Google even has its own entry in the dictionary.It doesn’t stop with searching for stuff either. In fact I’ll be posting this very article on Google’s Blogger and I’ll no doubt soon see how many people have visited it by logging on to my Google Analytics account. Google truly is a wonderful company and I always enjoy beta testing their latest bits of kit and marvelling at the genius behind it.
However, a few weeks ago while I was travelling up to the scum hole that is London on my way to a concert, I was playing around with Google Latitude when a scary thought struck me: Google knew exactly where I was at that moment. That got me thinking about the other tools available on Google that allow them to spy on me.
Now we all know they have very close ties with NASA. The data available to us through Google Earth is mind boggling and makes me wonder if NASA are willing to allow that into the public domain, how much more information are they actually in possession of?
So as well as knowing what things I browse for on the web and what my house looks like from Google Earth, they now have detailed knowledge of my property thanks to Google Streetmaps.
Not content with having detailed maps of the entire planet they have also started exploring Space and have detailed maps of Mars and the Moon – again thanks to NASA. This worries me slightly because, given that they are American and we all know how much the Americans like invading places, is this actually a cover-up for a recon mission prior to an attack on Mars? Probably not but it’s worth thinking about.
Anyway, back on Earth, I also have a Gmail account. This means that not only does Google have the potential to read all my emails, it also gives them the ability to find out who my friends and colleagues are. They also have Google Chat and Google Buzz so they can theoretically listen in to private conversations between me and my friends. Their attempt at social networking with things like Google Friend Connect, Orkut and all the other share options they have available mean that nothing can really be private any more.
The dawn of Google Checkout was another addition that set alarm bells ringing in my head because they now have my credit card details. Not only that but they also know some of the payments I make online if I ever buy anything from a site that uses Google as a payment merchant.
So am I worried about any of this? Well no not really because, quite frankly, I have nothing to hide. I’m not harbouring any known fugitives, I’m not cheating on my girlfriend, I’m not doing anything fraudulent, I’ve never been abducted by aliens, none of my friends are wanted by the CIA as far as I know and any porn I look at is above board and wouldn’t warrant me being put on the register. Not only that but I’m also quite grateful to Google because I earn money from them through their AdWords programme.
Google is a truly massive company. So big are they now that if anyone comes along and does something better than them they can afford to just buy that company. Look at Youtube. They beat Google hands down in the whole online video thing. They didn’t even attempt to branch out into online image libraries – they just simply bought Picassa.
The good thing is that they are also starting to branch out into office-style products. Google Docs, Google Notebook and Google Calendar are a clear threat to Microsoft Office products and now with the dawn of Google Chrome – both the browser and the operating system – Bill Gates’ minions should be crapping themselves.
Personally, I would love to see Google put Microsoft out of business. I hate Microsoft with a passion. There is no other company in the world that treats its customers with such obvious contempt. Every time they release a new version of their software it’s always full of bugs. Their products are always crashing and are often not backward compatible. They basically release half finished products and expect their unsuspecting customers to test it for them. The sad thing is that people just accept it. Admit it, whenever you have experienced the blue screen of death or just had a random error telling you that a fatal exception has occurred, you just shrug and say ‘Oh well it’s Microsoft’ don’t you? How many other companies could get away with that? Not many because few other companies have enjoyed the same monopoly that they have for so long. Well that is about to change Mr Gates.
You see the good thing about Google is that things just work. You know whenever they release something it will be good and won’t crash every 30 seconds. Not only that but their products are so simple and intuitive. They are accessible for even the average halfwit and terminally stupid who appear to make up 99 percent of the world’s population.
The other great thing of course is that everything is online. This is good because it means that you no longer have to worry about your computer exploding and losing all of your work because it’s all stored online at Google. And come on let’s face it, how often does Google crash? The only downside of course is it will be yet more personal and private information that you will be giving the secret agents at Google access to.
The only thing I’m a bit concerned about is the progress they are making with things like Picassa web albums, Google Sites and Google Base. These have the potential to invade my line of work and put me out of a job which is why I’m spending more and more time writing articles these days in the hope that I can publish them in a book and sell them on Google Base.
The other thing that sickens me slightly is that Google was founded by two students. I find that a bit hard to swallow because I think students are the scum of the earth but I can’t deny they are both geniuses. It is also one of the most fun companies to work for so, when Google do eventually take over the world, I want to be the first to own up and say I will happily take on the role of evil henchman – I think I’d be good at that job!
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