It's daylight robbery I tell you
January 2010 |
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These startling revelations bring me swiftly onto the hot topic of bankers and their bonuses. Now I want to start by saying that I think anyone who works in London and wears a suit is an idiot. You can always spot someone who works in the financial sector because they always wear those horrible pin striped suits with trouser braces and the top collar button dome up so tight it cuts off the circulation to their head.
Like estate agents, they all wear far too much aftershave and have greasy slick back hair. They are all called Nigel and most probably have a double-barrelled surname. For some reason that is beyond my comprehension they all have the kind of faces I want to punch.
Bankers, economists and of course Gordon Brown are largely responsible for the financial mess we are in today. Their irresponsible lending of money that didn't exist is just one of many failures that have helped push us into this recession.
I had first hand experience of the sheer mind-numbing stupidity of lenders seven years ago when I was buying my first house. Everything was going swimmingly and I was about to sign on the dotted line to mortgage myself up the arse for the next 25 years but sadly the people who ran the company I was working for had spent too much time playing golf rather than finding business and decided they needed to down-size so I found myself needing to look for another job.
I phoned the bank and basically said I’d need to hold off on signing my name away until I got another job. Their response was rather nonchalant and they told me not to worry too much and that I could still sign my life away if I wanted.
What kind of imbecile would allow a 21 year old bloke who has just been made redundant to take out a mortgage? We’re not talking about a fiver here. Mortgages are bloody expensive and I knew I’d be paying back about fifty thousand times more that I was borrowing thanks to compound interest.
I asked how they expected me to pay them back if I wasn’t earning any money and didn’t know how long it would take for me to get another job. They declined my kind offer to provide sexual favours to the attractive lady who worked behind the counter and reluctantly agreed that perhaps I should phone them back when I’m more settled. Fortunately I managed to get another job about 20 minutes later and lived happily ever after.
The problem is that most people aren’t that intelligent. If a bank said ‘we will give you half a million quid and it doesn’t matter if you can’t afford to pay us back at the moment’ most people will think ‘blimey, that is a good deal’ and go for it. What they don’t realise is that if the bank don’t see any money they will take the house, your furniture, your wife and children and blowtorch your leg off.
It’s the same with the constant stream of crap banks post through the door. Every day I’m offered a great deal on a credit card or I’ve been pre-approved for yet another great loan.
I am proud of the fact that I don’t have a credit card and never have done. My philosophy is if I don’t have the money, I won’t spend it. I’ve never been I debt. The mortgage is the only loan I have but that is more of an investment.
Again, a lot of people get stuff like that through the door and think ‘ooh great I can get another credit card’ and go out buying things with a bit of plastic without realising how much they are actually spending and without giving a second thought on how they are going to pay it back.
This is the audience the banks have been playing to. They have been targeting to poor and the terminally stupid because they are the ones who are more likely to spend money. Now that the cash has dried up and the sensible minority of tax payers who were not so gullible are having to bail the banks out, the spotlight has fallen on the banks themselves and how they are handling money.
What annoys me is the fact that these same idiots who got us into this mess are now up in arms because people have found out how much they are getting paid themselves and what ridiculous bonuses they are receiving for basically being criminals.
Now, a bonus should only be possible if the money is there to do it. If the banks have no money, how can they give bonuses? Also, surely bonuses should be given to those who deserve it – like people who have done a good job. The bankers obviously haven't done a good job have they? So how about a proper performance related pay scheme, whereby the bankers have to take a pay cut until we are out of this mess?
The only good thing about banks is thanks to the world wide web, more specifically Internet banking. It’s great and makes life so much easier. I no longer have to walk into a bank and speak so some balding financial adviser who wears too much cologne. If I want a loan, I just fill in a form over the internet and the money is in my account the next day. Direct debits, standing orders, statements it’s all there. So there you have it; make banks better by getting rid of the bankers.
And finally, I’ll leave you with this interesting thought: If I, in my role of racing journalist and satirical blogger, wrote an article that offended all and sundry, would I be praised and given a bonus? Well yes I probably would but that’s a different matter altogether!
So there you have it; double standards!
