If at first you don't succeed, use a hammer
September 2011
Because I compete in nearly 40 races every year, I cover a lot of miles in a car getting to and from the numerous race tracks dotted around the country. Also, because I’m a racing driver, I tend to drive the nuts of my poor little car. Consequently, it is very much in need of a service. The MOT is also overdue.Because the next race is in Wales and I really don’t want to break down and be stranded there, I took my car in for service and MOT at my local dealership. It’s the same place I’ve taken my car for years and they have usually been pretty good to me.
Shortly after I dropped the car off, I got a phone call from them. This is something I’m pretty used to. There is usually something wrong with my car. It normally involves the roll bar bushes, suspension, tyres or tracking. If it’s not that it is the air conditioning. That is something that has never worked properly since I bought the car. I have spent literally millions of pounds getting it fixed only for it to break again a few weeks later. I have since given up on it.
However, this call I got from the garage was to do with none of the above for a change. The service manager phoned to tell me that the mechanics couldn’t open the bonnet. Now, I know the bonnet catch can be a bit tricky on my car because I’ve struggled with it many times before. I simply told him his mechanics needed to put their backs into it and it will eventually open.
Half an hour later I received another call. They still couldn’t get into the bonnet and claimed they couldn’t complete the MOT as a result. The fact that the only part of an MOT that involves the bonnet is to make sure the latch securely closes should have sufficed in this instance but, despite me pointing this out to the service manager, he was adamant that I had to have it fixed.
He then went on to inform me that they would need to fit a new latch and cable and that would mean breaking the front grill to get behind it. In total it was going to cost me over £200. Given that the service was going to cost me well over £100 and the MOT another £50, I simply couldn’t justify this extra cost. The car probably isn’t worth that much. Annoyingly, because they insisted it would fail its MOT if they couldn’t open the bonnet, despite my protestations that the latch was quite obviously (and permanently) secured in the closed position, I had to agree to let their incompetent staff carry out the work.
Needless to say, this made me rather cross. These guys are supposed to be experts. What kind of retarded mechanics can’t open a bonnet? The irony is that in a previous life I used to be a mechanic. Not only that but I was a mechanic at that very dealership. During my apprenticeship, I was always taught that if something refuses to budge, use a hammer.
There have been many a time over the years when violence has been the only answer when it comes to getting things to work. As an apprentice grease monkey, I can remember loosening many a stuck bolt with a large hammer. I remember taking run-ups from across the entire garage and doing flying karate kicks to loosen stuck wheels. I remember snapping spark plugs in the cylinder head because I used too much force trying to get them out. Even now, I’ve witnessed the mechanics who maintain the karts I drive successfully straighten out bent axles by wedging an enormous metal pole between the axle and chassis and taking it in turns to jump on it.
Even though my current job mainly involves sitting behind a desk, I still find that violence often solves problems. If my computer is misbehaving, I have been known to give it a kick or a punch. The same goes for the monitor. Even if it doesn’t work, it certainly makes me feel better. Of course I did once destroy a DVD player by being too violent with it. And a laptop come to think of it...
Anyway, back to the subject of my car. I was very annoyed by what I was being forced to pay for. The reason why I was so annoyed is because I know the mechanics could have opened the bonnet if they had wanted to. Mechanics, by their very nature, are brainless creatures with little to no intelligence. Their job involves using tools to break things as well as fix things.
It’s not like I could tell them to forget it and do it myself. Despite still technically being a qualified mechanic, I cannot carry out my own MOT because I never earned the bit of toilet paper that proves I am competent enough to look under the car, check for leaks, check the lights work and check that there isn’t a hole in the windscreen. Even if I did possess such a qualification, I’m sure there is some law that states I wouldn’t be allowed to carry out my own MOT because I would no doubt lie and allow it to pass even if the car was basically a death trap on wheels.
Whilst I do have the expertise and the tools to carry out a basic service, I simply don’t have the patience or the inclination. The other problem with servicing my own car is how and where to dispose of the engine oil. I’m not allowed to pour engine oil or ant-freeze down the drain because that will result in the deaths of all the seagulls and polar bears in the world. This means I have to somehow transport several litres of oil to my local recycling centre which is about 2 miles from my house.
This left me in a bit of a quandary. I refuse to pay the best part of £400 on a car that probably isn’t worth half that amount. On the other hand I can’t drive around in a car without an MOT.
I therefore decided to forego the service and go for the extortionate repair bill so I can at least make the car road-legal. I also gave serious consideration to going down there with a hammer and taking a hammer to the service manager’s face.
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