Welcome to the family
November 2011
It may be a bit of a controversial thing to say given I’m getting married in a couple of weeks but I don’t believe in the theory that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. I just find it hard to believe that out of over 6 billion people on the planet, my one perfect partner happened to live right across the street from me. It seems a little unlikely. It becomes even more unlikely when you consider that the odds of me meeting Miss Perfect are even slimmer than they first appear.Assuming half of the 6 billion people on this planet are men that leaves 3 billion women to choose from. Out of the 3 billion women, one third is probably far too old and too busy dribbling and defecating all over the place to be any good for me. The other third will be the opposite and will get me thrown in jail. That leaves a billion. When you discount the homosexuals, I would imagine that probably reduces the number by at least half again. Then remove the gingers, the fuglies, the nutters and the terminally stupid and that leaves precisely 6 people. 6 people in the entire world who are perfect for me. And one of them lived right under my nose.
I’m not complaining obviously. I love her to bits and count myself very lucky. She’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a woman and I can’t begin to explain how I feel about her. Of course there are occasions when we irritate each other. Like all couples we have our little grievances and pet peeves. Her colossal untidiness makes me despair from time to time. For example, she recently cleared all the rubbish from her car. She walked through the back door, through the kitchen, past the bin, dumped it all on the sofa in the living room, walked back past the bin and locked her car. Then she simply left the rubbish on the sofa. She also likes to leave shoes and clothes scattered all over the house so that I trip over them.
Of course I do things that annoy her at least as much. I have a tendency to not pay attention when she’s talking to me. I can’t help it; it’s like an auto pilot. As a result there have been numerous occasions when she’s got mad because I haven’t done something important that she apparently told me about the previous day. She also has to put up with my grumpiness, cynicism, Tourettes syndrome and sarcasm. I’m pretty sure reading this will make her quite mad too…
Naturally the above examples are all light-hearted and I could never truly say a bad word about her. Our forthcoming wedding is going to be the most important day of my life and involves the most important person in my life. Of course what annoys me when it comes to the wedding is nothing to do with the important people involved; it’s to do with the unimportant people.
It’s no secret that people, generally speaking, irritate me. I don’t like stupidity and ignorance. Rudeness is something I’ll only tolerate if it’s coming from me, which I know is ignorant but we live in a world of double standards so get over it.
Anyway, because we are limited to the number of guests for the sit down meal and my future wife has more family members than the entire population of Switzerland we had to put a cap on the number of guests the lonely people could bring. This upset a few people which, needless to say, annoyed me somewhat.
One of our mutual friends who neither of us has seen much of over the last couple years was only invited to the evening reception. She had the cheek to inform my wife-to-be that she was disappointed she hadn’t been invited to the ceremony and meal. Well I’m sorry Miss Piggy but when you don’t make any effort to keep in touch with people, you get left out of these things. Oh and you’re boring.
We also upset one woman who was obviously aggrieved that we had only invited her and not made space for a guest. She demanded that she be allowed to bring her boyfriend. None of us had met him, none of us knew his name, and no one even knew she had a boyfriend. She apparently said she wouldn’t come unless she could invite someone. Well good. Don’t come. I don’t even know you. I met you once for about 30 seconds and you barely grunted at me. Personally, if someone invites me to a wedding, I’d be delighted. Admittedly my track record of attending weddings is pretty poor but that’s beside the point.
The truth is I couldn’t care less about anyone else when it comes to the wedding. Not even my own friends and family. No offence but this is not their day; it’s our day. More specifically it’s my wife’s day. I’m only planning on doing this once and I want everything to be special for her. Anyone who is invited should be pleased that they are seen as close enough to be invited to our special day. Even if they don’t feel like that, they are getting a free meal and a party out of it. So anyone who feels the need to whine about it can piss off.
Of course this is the sort of thing that many people get stressed about when sorting out invitations. Some people worry that if they don’t invite the illegitimate child of their first father’s second wife’s sister, they might cause a family rift. Me? I couldn’t care less. I have a tiny family that consists of about five and a half people. If I got a reply back from a family member saying they can’t make it then that’s fine. If I got a reply back from a family member or a friend saying they won’t come unless they can invite someone I’d never met I’d tell them to stick the invitation up their backside. I don’t care if they never speak to me again.
We have had people drop out at the last minute. In fact nearly half of my tiny family can’t make it and that’s fine with me because it saves us money. There is also a certain friend of ours who has accepted the invitation but we are convinced isn’t going to show up on the day and that’s great too. It means I can have an extra meal. The inevitable drop-outs from the ungrateful people mean we can invite the nicer people who were only invited to the evening to the whole day.
This all may sound harsh and probably makes me sound a bit selfish and that’s fine too because I am. It’s also another reason why I count myself very lucky for having found someone who puts up with my attitude problem.
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