Justin Bieber might save my business

 

January 2012

Have you ever sat in the same room as two people who work in the financial sector? I have. It’s unbearable. The introductions usually begin with the world’s longest handshake where they attempt to find out who has the tightest grip. Then they spend an hour trying to outdo each other with their respective knowledge of the city before establishing who has the most expensive car. Then it’s down to business where they will get the magnifying glass out and compare penis size. It’s a similar ritual with salesmen but with worse aftershave and a more powerful magnifying glass.

People in these types of position are, without exception, idiots. They all have the ability to talk but none of them have any real common sense. They are mostly incompetent and only manage to get into high positions by virtue of their ability to procrastinate and talk bollocks.

I’ve sat in 54 hour long meetings where these morons will bang on about nothing of real importance, tell anecdotes that are neither funny or true and usually make no sense whatsoever and then come up with stupid ideas that are neither feasible or practical.

I’m completely the opposite. I’m crap at talking. I couldn’t sell mud to a Hippy. However, I’ve come up with some pretty good ideas over the years. My first truly great idea came to me when I was a boy. Like all boys, all I thought about was girls. I decided the best thing to do on a first date was to take them swimming. It’s perfect; it’s original, you can avoid all those awkward silences by going for a swim, you can drown yourself if you say anything embarrassing, you get some exercise and – most importantly – you pretty much get to see what they look like naked.

I also came up with a novel idea as to how cigarette companies could overcome the ban on tobacco advertising so we could see a return of classic liveries in Formula 1 like the John Player Lotus and the Marlboro McLaren and have the Embassy World Snooker Championship back. The cigarette companies should all start producing Nicotine patches. Think about it; they will still make money out of the smokers, they will make money out of the people trying to give up smoking, they will be promoting healthy living and they can use the same brand for the Nicotine patch as they do for the fags. They can then legitimately use that brand to advertise with.

I’ve come up with great business ideas too. In fact many of the products that have been created through my business have been dreamed up by me – usually while I’m on the crapper. Even things like the Customer Relations Activity Planner have made it onto the shelf despite the abbreviation being CRAP. It’s the same story for the File Upload Control Kit.

My ideas are not just limited to sport and business either. I’m sure that my idea of burning illegal immigrants and obese people and using them as an alternative source of fuel still has mileage. It solves both the immigration and the obesity issues and also makes room for the unemployed to get jobs.

Admittedly my idea of hanging Justin Bieber up by his nipples and battering him to death with a cricket bat with nails in it - whilst fundamentally a pretty good idea - might be seen as a bit right-wing so may need a bit more thought.

Despite coming up with such good ideas, my ability to market them means I’m not yet a millionaire and haven’t had all my assets bought by Google. The problem is that these big city morons, who have no clue but have the money to invest, will come up with a crapper version of the same product and charge 10 times as much for it.

For instance, the European Commission told us all last year that we should be using electronic invoicing. They reeled off this nice long list of reasons why everybody should do what they say because they always know best. And, for once, they didn’t make me want to put my fist through each and every one of their faces because they are actually right. The fact that some people still send things by post baffles me. Believe it or not there are a scarily large number of people who still use fax machines. Now, I’ve been in the working world for over a decade now and I can honestly say I’ve never used a fax machine in my life. Why? Because this is the 21st century not 1981.

Anyway, the online invoicing thing is something my company has been doing for over 10 years. The concept is very simple and much more practical than printing paper, sticking it in an envelope, wasting precious pennies on a stamp and taking a gamble on whether Royal Mail will actually deliver it to the intended recipient. Doing it all online saves time, money, ink and trees and also has the added benefit of the data being stored in such a manner that you can get access to it anywhere with an Internet connection and safe in the knowledge that the precious data will be backed up.

However, despite having had proven software for ages, few people have taken it up because the thought of change scares them. Some are just confused by the concept. However, all it needs is some smug, balding city tosser to come along and confuse them with their bizarre facial hair and suddenly they’re sold on the idea.

It is completely the opposite story for some of the other products I try in vain to sell. I’ve built a shop app with more features than that can possibly be needed and will fit nicely into pretty much any website. I’ve built a really nice content management system so people can build their own websites. The problem is that people like Google, Amazon and Facebook come along and offer the same sort of thing for free.

It really is a futile task. This is why I think I need to work more on my idea for eradicating Justin Bieber and other annoying celebrities. I’m sure that’s a market that will generate interest. There must be people out there who would pay good money to see – or even participate in – such a venture.

* For the attention of Mr. Bieber’s lawyers. I don’t really want to eradicate him so please don’t sue me. I only say this because if you are a lawyer for the teeny bopper, you’re probably American and therefore can’t even spell the word humour correctly so won’t realise this is actually a joke.

Enjoyed reading this? Click here to buy my book!