A lateral thought
June 2009
Now if you believe the tabloids, the enviro mentalists or any of these other crazy scaremongerer types, we are all going to die! If we’re not all asphyxiated by driving cars or exterminated by Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Foot and Mouth or one of the literally millions of NHS generated hospital viruses, we are going to be blown up by terrorists or the sheer weight of the illegal immigrants coming into the country is going to flip the United Kingdom on its axis and we’ll all be plunged into the channel and drown!Now this is all pretty scary stuff. Watching the news these days is so depressing it has got to the stage where I feel I would be better off just sitting at home and waiting for the world to end... or watching Big Brother.
But hang on a minute. These doomsayer’s have been telling us the world is about to explode everyday since the beginning of time and it hasn’t happened yet. I thought the hole in the Ozone layer was supposed to have roasted us alive by now. Weren’t computers supposed to rise up and attempt a world taker over at the Millennium? Isn't Bruce Willis supposed to save us from a giant meteor?
Not a day goes by where we don’t hear about how bad the recession is, how unhealthy we all are, how dangerous the internet is and how using mobile phones will give you cancer of the head. Personally, I have taken the rather novel approach to help me get over the pressure of my impending death. I ignore it!
I really don’t see what all the fuss is about any more. If Tenerife falls over and sinks into the Atlantic, America gets wiped out. If sea levels continue to rise, the Dutch get drowned. Am I really the only person who can't see what the problem is?
Global warming is the subject on all the eco-warriors lips. Now even I cannot deny that global warming is on the way, although I’m still confused as to why, if the earth is supposed to be warming up, our summers are getting colder.
What I really object to are these tree-hugging hippy types who are blaming the human race for everything that is wrong with the planet. I mean, sure, the fact that every fifteen seconds a section of the rain forest the size of Elton John’s wardrobe is destroyed probably isn’t good and all the greenhouse gasses we are ploughing into the atmosphere is surely having some sort of negative effect on the natural balance of things but are the fractions of a percent we are talking about really the cause of all our troubles or are we just accelerating the inevitable natural climate shift?
It is a scientific fact that Cow farts and sheep burps produce more methane between them that humans do in cars. So what is the answer here? Assassinate Daisy and Dolly the Sheep? Because I’m sure that will go down well with the animal activists.
It is said that we have now consumed nearly all of the earth’s natural resources so perhaps the boffins of the world should stop wasting time sewing ears onto mice and electrocuting chickens in a vain attempt to find a cure for baldness and do something about finding a renewable source of energy. Why, when all these huge advances in technology have taken place over the last few years, has no one managed to come up with an alternative to the century old internal combustion engine? Seriously, when you compare the rate of automotive technology to that of development of mobile phones, it is clear which one is falling behind. My iPhone for example can play music, send emails, download porn at 72,000,000 Kbps and teleport me to Turkmenistan.
The fuss people are kicking up because of the speed of the melting polar ice caps is based on… well not much, frankly. There is no evidence to suggest that this is a direct result of human intervention. Firstly, man has only been monitoring them for the past fifty years or so and it is quite possible that they have been melting at a hell of a rate for a few thousand years. Secondly, why can’t they accept that it is part of the World’s natural life cycle?
The fact that we even have polar ice caps suggests to me that we are still in the process of recovering from the last ice age. Maybe once they have completely melted, the resulting rise in sea levels combined with the imbalance caused by the fresh water dumped into the sea will push us back into another ice age and the cycle will just repeat itself (oh yeah, I’ve seen ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ so I know what I’m talking about!).
Perhaps rising sea levels is less to do with climate change and more to do with the change in humans. Apparently, twenty percent of people in the UK are now obese and over thirty-six thousand percent of Americans. Perhaps it isn’t sea levels rising but the land sinking under the immense weight of these horizontally challenged individuals? It’s an interesting thought.
The sheer size of people these days is getting such that a new government initiative needs to be raised whereby we stick public health warnings on people with a waste line over a certain diameter… or fit them with those ‘wide load reversing’ alarms you get on HGV’s.
The plight is not helped any by the nanny state convincing them that it’s not their fault, society is to blame, the stress of modern day living, pressure from supermodels to look like coat stands and countless other excuses made up by people who have nothing better to do with their lives. No. It is very simple. Eat less and exercise more. People who disagree or come up with some obscure scientific reasoning behind the ever expanding nation are simply making excuses for the simple fact that modern technology has made us all lazy, fat bastards.
So how is this for a lateral thought? If we get rid of all the fat people, we can use their bodies as an alternative source of fuel. This way we don’t have to kill all the flatulent farm animals and all the activists can sleep well at night. It would also have the added benefit of reducing the human population and allowing all the unemployed people to get jobs. There you go, I’ve solved three of the world’s biggest problems in one fell swoop!
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