For God's Sake
August 2009
The other day I was out on my lunch break, minding my own business and staring at all the topless sunbathers on the beach when I suddenly became aware of a middle-aged woman standing next to me. I made the fatal mistake of making eye contact with her.“It’s a lovely day isn’t it?” she chirped in a pleasant tone.
Now being the well mannered and polite young man that I am, I replied in an equally pleasant tone.
“Yes it is beautiful. I hope it is like this at the weekend.”
She then said something that immediately put me on defcon 4.
“Have you ever wondered whether we were put on this planet for a reason?”
Now I knew where this was going and I was about to beat a hasty retreat before my legendary lack of diplomacy kicked in, but sadly for her she didn’t give me the opportunity.
“Oh I am from the Church of the latter day saints.”
"You're telling me that first? Now do you see where you've gone wrong?" I asked her. You see just because I wasn’t in the vicinity of a door that I could slam in her face didn’t stop me from pouring out a torrent of abuse before walking away very quickly before I followed through on my threat to drown her in the sea if she didn’t get out of my face!
Now please don’t get me wrong. I’m a tolerant person and I respect people’s rights to believe in whatever they wish (I personally believe in the Force and follow the ways of the Jedi and don’t object at all if people scoff at that). I just do not like having the opinions of others forced down my throat.
There are very few things that rile me in this world. Apart from being interrupted, ignorant people, stupid people, people with no sense of humour, fat people, activists, extremists, other drivers, people who drive Smart Cars, salesmen, estate agents, lawyers, football fans, people who talk loudly, alcoholics, people on benefit, reality TV, health and safety, politicians, tax, the Royal Family, people who are intolerant of other cultures and of course the Americans, the thing that is guaranteed to make my head explode in a sheer fit of anger and probable violence is overzealous religious people.
Jehovah’s are easily the worst offenders. They come along in their stupid suits, dressed like they are going to a funeral and intrude, completely uninvited, into your personal space. The really annoying thing is that they are all so bloody nice so it is really hard to be nasty to them.
They are getting smart as well. Only a few weeks ago I was sitting at home when there was a knock at my front door. Now I knew straight away that this would be someone I didn’t know because anyone who knows me will never use the front door; they will always come to the back gate and invite themselves straight into my kitchen. Nevertheless, I was bored so I decided to answer it.
I was confronted by two gorgeous women with big welcoming smiles on their faces. Now being a well brought up young man I find it hard to be rude to women at the best of times. I find it even mores so when they look like the love child of Keira Knightley and Nicole Kidman so, before I knew it, I had accepted a leaflet and let them talk me into selling my house, giving them all my money, marrying them both, taking part in a ritual suicide and agreeing blood transfusions are wrong. It was only the disembodied voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi telling me to use the force that allowed me to snap out of it, stutter and mumble my apologies and politely excuse myself before I suffered a fate worse than dinner with Ann Widdecombe!
So what is my problem with religion? Well nothing actually. My problem is with religious people. When you look back in history, most of the major world conflicts have either been entirely down to religion or at the very least has had some religious factor involved. We’ve had the Catholics vs. Protestants, the Christians vs. Muslims, the Kurds vs. Shi’ite, Hindus vs. Muslims, Buddhists vs. Hindus and various combinations of the above. Do a search in Google for any war and you will find that Religion has, in the very least, been used to sell or fuel the conflict.
Now basically the conflicts go something like this: Mr Muslim says ‘I believe in this and I’m right’ and Mr Christian says ‘Well I believe in this and I think you are wrong’ and then Mr Muslim says ‘Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you now and put a Jihad on your entire family’ and then they both get all their mates involved and blood is spilt until Mr UN intervenes and says ‘Leave it Mr Christian he aint worth it’.
Now why can’t Mr Muslim say ‘I believe in this and I’m right’, Mr Christian say ‘I believe in this and you’re wrong’, Mr Muslim say ‘Fair enough Mr Christian, shall we agree to disagree then?’, Mr Christian say ‘Fair enough Mr Muslim let’s go for a hotdog’, Mr Muslim say ‘Sorry Mr Christian I don’t eat Pork’ and Mr Christian say ‘Fair enough Mr Muslim how about some Falafel?’.
Now I’m not what you would call a religious person but two of my favourite films are Monty Python’s Life of Brian and Dogma. The Life of Brian was banned from virtually the entire planet because the church thought it was blasphemous. Not only does this go to prove that religious people don’t have a sense of humour, it also shows ignorance because the majority of complaints came from people who had never even seen the film. Personally, I think all religious people should be forced to watch Dogma because, if you can look past the obscene swearing and comedy violence, it is actually a very profound film.
So, if you are religious and you have found this article offensive, instead of wasting time looking for the contact form to register a complaint (and I’m guessing I’ll get them), why don’t you follow the example set by Jesus and forgive me for my sins?!
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