Old, boring and proud
February 2010
A few months ago I mentioned a party I went to some years back where I bumped into a guy I used to go to school with and that it was the first time I realised just how far I'd come since leaving the cesspool that is the education system.Looking back, that evening was probably the beginning of the end of my youth. By that stage I was on the property ladder, had a full time job, was worrying about petrol prices and the state of Britain’s economy and was making statements like ‘well at least the rain will be good for the garden’. I no longer enjoyed going out until three o’clock in the morning, drinking until I bled, sleeping on the floor at parties and waking up the next afternoon in a wheelie bin somewhere in Doncaster.
These days, I’d much rather have a quiet night in, watch a DVD or read a good book and have an early night because I’ve got ‘a big day tomorrow’. What concerns me a little bit is that I’m not even thirty yet so in the grand scheme of things I’m not all that old.
I’m already looking at youngsters today with contempt. I especially hate it when you walk past a bunch of kids because they always stare at you and go quiet when you walk past and you can guarantee that once you are twenty meters further up the road one of the little peckers will shout something at you. They’re not even offensive anymore they're just confusing. Rather than shout an insult at you they will come out with some random string of words that make absolutely no sense. Or they will just make an odd noise. Now being a smart and witty individual, there are literally thousands of one-liners I could come back with but I don’t think it’s worth the effort because I know I’ll probably just get stabbed.
I was walking to my local supermarket a few months back and there was a bunch of teenagers loitering, as they do, in the car park. They were the race of youths that are being bred en-mass from Council estates; you know the ones with their trousers half way down their arse and the hooded tops and who can’t string a sentence together without using the word ‘like’ or ‘init’ every other word. Most of them walk around with that funny limp and for some reason that is beyond my comprehension can’t seem to let go of their crotch.
Anyway, they were just standing there admiring their cars; the typical boy racer vehicles that were all kitted out with spoilers, blacked out windows, stupidly large exhausts, alloy wheels, lowered suspension and one of those Kenwood stickers across the windscreen. Now apart from the fact that having all those things added on a car will not stop it being crap, what I was most confused about was the florescent lights one of the kids had under his car. What the hell are they for? Does he expect to run over a barcode? It must cost him a fortune every time he drives over a zebra crossing.
A few years back I was talking to one of my friends who happens to be a teacher. She was telling me that she is basically not allowed to discipline children any more and if she did she would probably be put in prison for abuse. The thing that confused me somewhat was when she told me that she is not allowed to mark work in red pen and she now has to put a dot rather than a cross next to answers that are incorrect because it is deemed too negative. Seriously, how much more negative can you get than being wrong?
Kids today just annoy me. Now I was not exactly what you would call an angel when I was growing up but I always had respect for my peers. I’ve got to the age now where I believe caning should be brought back in schools and parents should be encouraged to spank the living daylights out of their children when they misbehave. Teach them respect before they get old enough to fight back and shoot you with the gun they bought from some South African they met in the playground.
Too often these days we hear about some 13 year old kid who has been murdered in some LA style gang warfare and the tearful mother makes some sorrowful speech about how her innocent little boy was as good as gold and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now I don’t want to sound unsympathetic but I always find myself thinking ‘if your little boy was such an angel, what the hell was he doing hanging around with gangs at 3 o’clock in the morning on a school night?’ I’m sure he wasn’t causing any trouble at all.
Most youths today apparently suffer from A.D.D, or Attention Deficit Disorder. My arse they do. They are just fat, lazy little peckers with bad parents who did a piss-poor job of raising them. Instead of disciplining them and spending the considerable effort it takes to teach children about basic values, they just stuffed them with sweets and biscuits and stuck them in front of the telly. That's why they are so hyper because they are full of sugar. And attention deficit? Have you seen the mind-numbing crap they put on the telly these days? I watched daytime telly once and fell into a coma for 3 weeks! If these kids really do have a problem concentrating for long periods of time then why not send them to concentration camps?
Now 10 years ago, if it was possible back then, I would have wanted to kick my own arse and film it on my camera phone and post it on Youtube for writing such drivel but the bottom line is that I am just old and boring. Not only that but I am quite proud of it. I can no longer handle my drink and will wake up with a hangover if I have more than 4 pints. I much prefer spending my evenings in my nice warm house, reading a good book or having an intellectual conversation. If I stay out past 10 o’clock in the evening I start feeling tired and irritable and I’m quite content to have a stroke every time petrol goes up by 1 pence per litre. It’s all part of growing up.
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