Predicting the Formula 1 tedium
March 2010
As a new Formula 1 season is nearly upon us I thought I’d take a break from moaning about everything that’s wrong with the world and focus instead on giving my expert predictions on what promises to be an exciting year... on paper anyway.Of course it will end up being the same dreary procession of drivers not overtaking anyone and any excitement that does take place on the track will be followed by the inevitable controversy, threatened bans, obscene fines and spats that will inevitably end up in the High Court because the FIA don’t know how to govern their sport properly.
Now that Herr Mosley has finally stepped down in order to spend more time in his Nazi uniform getting whipped by prostitutes, the FIA has a new president who is guaranteed to bring even more corruption and politics in his garlic stained claw. I mean seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to elect a man who, until very recently, was the team principal of the most successful team in Formula 1 history? A team that everybody suspects is a beneficiary of favouritism from the governing body.
Of course thanks to the world leaders and greedy bankers we’ve lost two more manufacturer teams in the form of BMW and Toyota. Renault has also virtually pulled the plug, having sold their team to some rich bloke who I’ve never heard of. The only reason they stayed in at all is because they don’t want to be fined ten thousand million billion dollars by the terrible toad. BMW are of course Sauber again, although Peter Sauber’s open half heartedness about being a team owner again is bound to spell doom for the little Swiss cheeses so I’m not expecting much from Pedro de la Rosa and Kamikaze Kobayashi, irrespective of their times in testing.
We have a few new teams who will undoubtedly prop up the rear of the grid if they manage to make it to the grid. Lotus, who are not actually Lotus at all but the Malaysian Proton car company, will probably be the most competitive of the newbies. They have hired two extremely experienced, albeit rather disappointing, drivers in the form of Jarno Trulli and Heikki Kovalainen, whose name I still can’t spell without looking it up on Google. Virgin Racing, with financial backing from Beardy Branson and run by the useful blokes at Manor, will probably be their closest rival with the Irish sounding Tim O’Glock at the helm.
I Fear that Bruno Senna will be just as disappointing as Nelson Piquet Jr was. He has achieved relatively little in his admittedly short career and I’ve never seen anything from him that suggests he is even remotely special. Frankly, he has only got this far because of his famous uncle and the depth of his family’s pockets. Hopefully he will have more sense than that Piquet bloke and only crash by accident so he can leave his inevitably short Grand Prix career with at least some dignity before tarnishing the Senna name too much.
Having really messed things up at the beginning of last year, I am confident that McLaren will be the team to beat this year and with Lewis and Jenson on board, they have one of the strongest line-ups.
Whether he was pushed by Mercedes or he just didn't fancy a fourth name change for his team we’ll probably never know. All I can say is that I think switching to McLaren is the right move for Jenson. Although they will be up there, Mercedes will not be quite as competitive as Brawn were at the beginning of last year and I think McLaren will offer him a better chance of success. The only problem he faces is his team mate.
Lewis has been with McLaren since he was in nappies and it’s his posse. The team is very much built around him and it will be difficult for anyone to come in and really threaten him. I think Lewis is probably the quickest driver out there and he has got all the right credentials. I still wish he wasn’t such a robot when he talks to the press and he would stop saying "the team did a fantastic job" every other sentence but there is no denying the boy’s talent. Personally, I think he is a better and more complete driver than Jenson so the reigning champion is going to have to up his game this year.
I still can’t quite believe Schumacher has returned. There is no doubt that he is arguably one of the greatest drivers in Formula 1 history but I felt that he did the right thing in retiring when he did. He was beaten to the 2005 and 2006 championships fair and square by Alonso who was in arguably inferior equipment. This was a clear indication that his days at the top were numbered and he should make way for the next generation.
I have no doubt that the speed is still there. He is probably just as quick as any of them out there and as fit as the proverbial fiddle. He will still finish a race in 10,000 degrees centigrade without a bead of sweat on him. The problem is that he has been away for 3 years. That is a long time and, coupled with the ridiculous ban on testing, it is sure to take a while to get back on the pace. He is also an old man. At 41 he’s practically twice the age of the children he is competing with. If this was a playground he would be arrested. I think he has a lot to lose this year. Having said that, I am looking forward to seeing a straight fight between Hamilton and Schumi.
The only real gauge of a driver’s ability is the relative performance against a team mate so it will be interesting to see the difference between Schumacher and Rosberg. Although I think he looks like a thunderbird puppet, Nico Rosberg is a very talented driver and deserves his place in a championship winning car. I will be disappointed if he doesn’t win at least one race this year and it will be interesting to see how he fares against the giant chin from Kerpen. Sadly, despite Mercedes’ insistence that both drivers will be given equal status in the team, I can’t help feeling that the old Schumacher/Brawn bond will win the day and young Nico will end up having to bend over and play the submissive role to his senior countryman.
It may have taken decades for the master plan to come to fruition but the Germans certainly appear to be the super power at the moment. As well as Rosberg, Schumacher and Mercedes, Vettel is surely ze man to take zem to vorld domination zis yar. Providing Red Bull can supply him with a good car again he is surely going to be a championship challenger. I’m convinced it is only a matter of time before we see him in a Ferrari or a Mercedes so, providing he continues to put his Ozzie convict of a team mate in the shade, he will still be sought after regardless of the results.
The Ferrari pairing is an interesting one this year. Firstly, I will be interested to see how Felipe Massa performs after his accident last season. I was initially worried that he might have lost the plot a bit but my impression from testing is that he is still as quick as ever. Hopefully, as happened with Mika Hakkinen in 1995, the bang on the head has knocked enough sense out of him to make him even quicker.
Ferrari look to have the quickest car and could well be on top in the early part of the season. Having said that, it’s only a matter of time before he and Alonso fall out and unsettle the team and I sincerely hope Massa comes out on top. I also hope that Alonso chokes to death on his own whinging tosserness.
Barrichello went against everyone’s better judgement and decided to stay in the sport for another year and relegate himself back into the realms of the "never has-beens". While I admire his determination and passion to stay in the sport, I really do think he should retire gracefully. He was lucky to have found himself in such a competitive car last year and he still didn’t quite deliver the goods so he should have quit while he was ahead. It is a shame to say this because I really do like Barrichello but he is a dinosaur... which is probably why Williams chose him. One can smell one’s own.
The problem with Williams is that Frank and Patrick are both old boys now and do you know what happens when old timers try to hang on to their business for too long? They get soft in the head and start making bad decisions. Now I respect their desire to hang on to their little independent outfit which is why they never sold out to BMW and have resisted propositions from other big investors over the years. The new budget caps have surely benefited them but the fact of the matter is they haven’t been competitive for years and I can’t see that changing any time soon unless they start moving with the times a bit more.
So my predictions: I’m tipping Lewis for the championship. I think Vettel will be his closest rival and Jenson should be up there too. The Ferraris of course will be a threat and Alonso could well be a dark horse. Having said all that, Schumacher will probably wipe the floor with everybody and win an eighth world title before retiring again to make way for Vettel. Either way I can almost guarantee that I will fall asleep during most of the races and wonder why I still bother watching them. Now Club100 karting, Touring Cars and motoGP: That’s real racing!
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