Being clubbed to death with a rhythm stick

Spending an evening being robbed, spit on, molested, shouted at, deafened and stabbed is hardly how I want to spend my Friday night.

Spending an evening in the loony bin

I've been in many uncomfortable situations in my life but nothing could prepare me for the awkwardness of being in the company of Mr Flibble from the planet Zobb!

A night out with Mohamed Ali's ugly sister

She had a face like an arse, she was obviously a slag with no self control and she really needs to work on her left hook. Welcome to Essex!

A beautiful game? Really?

22 effeminate grown men with perms chasing a leather ball around on a grass lawn? I would rather watch the grass grow.

Leaving a Brown stain on the country

Hopefully the British people have truly had enough so not even the Sun newspaper will be able to convince anyone to vote for this mad man.

Two wrongs don't make an equal right

To save myself the aggravation of lawsuits, I am going to hire an old, fat, black, disabled, homosexual ginger woman to raise my children.

Predicting the Formula 1 tedium

It's a straight fight between the Brits and the Germans with a challenge from Austria. The last time this happened things got rather messy!

Old, boring and proud

It’s time to break out the pipe and slippers because I’m fast approaching thirty and already I’m confused by the youth of today.

Stop blowing stuff up!

New Year Sale now on: Come into our country and blow us all up and we'll give you a house, a car and stick you on benefits for as long as you want.

Sorry, I'm suing Santa

Breaking and entering, loitering with intent to entice children, cruelty to animals and drink driving is just the tip of the ice berg.

The Internet revolution

I am entering the 21st Century and launching myself firmly onto the Internet Information Super-Bypass!

I apologise for saying sorry

Please stop talking to me like you're my best friend. I've never met you and have no idea who you are!

Wreck your future; get an education

I spent over a decade of my life in Education and what was the most important lesson I learned? That it is a complete waste of time.

For God's Sake

No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, if they do say Jehovah!

I’m a celebrity, kill me now!

Most of them have no talent whatsoever and why in the name of Greek buggery do they insist on naming their poor children after fruits of the forest?

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