A guide to four-star censorship

Female dogs, young cats, donkeys and their reproductive organs are amongst the most heinous things on this planet apparently.

I think I'm on the CIA watch list

I'm just passing through because I have to. This shouldn't involve interrogation and anal probes by humourless American officials.

Not only should strikers be shot, but those who complain about people making jokes about shooting strikers should be shot.

Dear Santa, please don't let me get crucified, blown up or burnt as a heretic and I promise I'll be a good boy.

If someone offered me free dinner and a party, I would gratefully accept it and not demand any more special privileges.

Rather than cutting back on important things like national security, why not cut back on pointless things like government ministers?

Apparently the most common thing in the Universe is hydrogen. I assure you the most common thing is actually stupidity.

Cars are designed to be driven, aeroplanes are designed to be flown and films are designed to be watched. So why are seats not designed to be sat in?

I don't particularly want to start wearing incontinence pants, but if it comes down to it I will. My dignity is at stake.

As ever, Nanny-State Nazis are making a complete hash of things by being tree-hugging, fair trade tea drinking, sandal wearing, bearded lesbians.

I managed to go through my childhood without killing myself so I really don't need some do-gooder telling how to live my adult life.

Yeah build a wall, of course that will work. While you're at it why not also develop a force field like the ones they have in Star Wars.

If anyone has the right to waste my money it's me, not some suited pen-pushing faggot who won't let me recycle food-waste.

Newspeak, Big Brother and harsh punishments for exercising freedom of speech. Now that would make a good book.

Surely the best piece of advice for anyone attempting to lose weight in the New Year would be to get off their fat, lazy arse and stop eating.

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