Getting royally annoyed with the state

June 2012

With the London Olympics and Euro 2012 just around the corner, it means that these events will be dominating every channel on terrestrial television with the exception of channel 5, which will continue to broadcast Big Brother and other ghastly rubbish that nobody will watch.

Despite the fact that I hate football and I think the Olympic Games are almost as pointless as Nicki Minaj, I do like the patriotism. It’s great to see the country unite. It’s also nice to see and hear something positive on the news. It makes a nice change from double-dip recessions, terrorism, immigration problems, prime ministers leaving their kids in pubs and the daily round of stabbings and murders.

Although I’m not interested enough to actively support our national teams and competitors, coupled with the fact that I think this country is an embarrassment most of the time, I still consider myself mildly patriotic. The fact that my crash helmet design is the St. George’s cross with the three lions symbol at the centre is evidence enough of that. I am also patriotic enough to know which way up the Union Jack flag goes, which is more than can be said about most of the flag wavers I see on the television.

Of course you can’t get any more patriotic than supporting the royal family. There have been a couple of notable events over the last year that have captivated the country. In 2011 we had the fairytale wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Hopefully this marriage will remain a fairy tale and Kate will be sensible enough to not to upset the Queen and wear a seatbelt…

More recently, we had the Queen’s diamond Jubilee. Literally millions of people made the journey to London on a typically cold and wet British summer’s day to celebrate 60 years of her majesty’s reign. It was nice to see Prince Harry there and swapping his German uniform for something a little more appropriate, although he did spend most of his time on the balcony at Buckingham palace attempting to chat up his sister-in-law while his brother awkwardly sang “God save the Queen” in front of his own grandmother. The Duke of Edinburgh missed the celebrations because he was convalescing in hospital, which is probably just as well because he would have almost certainly ended up making one of his famous gaffs and made an inappropriate remark about Kate Middleton’s chest.

There were of course the usual British scumbags who had to make an appearance and attempt to put a downer on the whole thing. I hope these anti-royalist protesters enjoyed their free bank holiday. I also hope they die from anal herpes because it’s the least they deserve for such treason – a crime that used to be punishable by death. Not that any of them had jobs of course. They all no doubt sponge off the state and expect the world to owe them a favour.

I really was at a loss to see what they were protesting about. So they don’t want a monarchy? Does it really matter? It’s not like the Queen has any real power any more. The country is run – if you can call it that – by parliament and the Queen has little to no influence over that. The royal family are, at best, a tourist attraction. This is not a criticism. They are a tourist attraction that draws millions of people from all over the world and probably generate a small fortune into the economy. Getting rid of them would be a bit like America getting rid of Disney Land. I’m not trying to compare her royal highness to Mickey Mouse because that could be construed as treason. All I’m saying is why would you want to get rid of something that generates a lot of money and keeps this otherwise dull country slightly less dull?

Watching and listening to some of these protesters left me once again feeling that this country lost the plot by getting rid of the class system. The uneducated lower class are the ones that are sucking the lifeblood out of the country. It makes me quite angry when I think how hard working, tax paying, law abiding people are treated like second class citizens, while the lazy, stupid and weak-willed seem to get a better deal.

I run a business and it is very stressful. I sometimes have to work long hours. I can rarely switch off because there is always something somewhere that requires my attention. If I don’t do my job properly I potentially ruin not only my own job, but the jobs of dozens of other businesses that solely rely on my company. My wife also works hard and puts in hours of overtime to ensure that we have enough money for our future. Despite this, we have the constant worry of things falling through and leaving us unable to pay the mortgage and provide for the family we both want. This is something that all hard working, tax paying, law abiding citizens have to worry about.

On the other end of the social spectrum you have the slappers and the chavs who are usually the product of mothers with no self control. They grow up lacking proper social skills and never master the English language properly. They fail at school, get pregnant at 16, go straight onto benefits and get given a free house and don’t have to worry about a thing other than where they put the phone number for the Chinese takeaway.

Seriously, I know of people who have never worked for more than a couple of months in their entire life. They have simply given up because they are incapable of thinking for themselves, claimed to have suffered from stress related anxiety or some other form of made up illness, spent a few free nights in a crazy house and then lived happily ever after sponging off the state and don’t bother ever looking for a job again because they have a better deal being a worthless slug. The government needs to stamp out on this. Under my rule, anyone who has been on benefits for more than a month would be deported and sent to Afghanistan and used as cannon fodder.

Anyway, once the news stations had stopped giving these idiotic protesters the media coverage they didn’t deserve, it was nice to spend a relaxing long weekend watching the country come together in harmony. For a brief moment, I forgot about all the stupidity this country contains. But then Gary Barlow started singing and I suddenly felt nauseous and became very angry again.