An Olympic catastrophe

July 2012

People in the UK are never satisfied when it comes to the weather. Every winter people complain non-stop about how cold it is and how they can’t wait until the summer but then as soon as summer arrives, the same people complain and say it’s too hot. Every time we get a bit of sun the met office declares a heat wave and advises us all to stay in doors otherwise we will get roasted alive or get skin cancer. Either way, we will die. As soon as a bit of snow falls, the met office issues a severe weather warning and tells us the new ice age is coming so we better stay in doors before we freeze and die. Or they tell us if we do dare to go out we can’t drive on the roads otherwise we will die. If there is no rain for more than a week, it is classified as a drought and we are banned from using a hosepipe otherwise we will all dehydrate and die. Then we have a bit of rain and entire towns flood and people actually die.

I’m also sick and tired of walking past people and being greeted with comments about the weather. Almost every time I pass someone in the street, their opening gambit is something like “it’s a nice day isn’t it?” or “isn’t it cold?” What is wrong with “Hello”? I found myself in a queue at the supermarket the other week – another great British pastime – and listening to two old bags banging on about how frightful the weather was. It was probably the most British thing I have ever experienced; two people queuing, moaning and talking about the weather while I stood behind them tutting because they were holding up the queue.

Of course queuing, moaning and the weather are all things that are going to be even more common soon with the Olympics coming to London. As patriotic as I am, I find myself rather under whelmed by the whole thing. Apart from the fact that I care less about the Olympics than I do about the welfare of Nicki Minaj, I’m also a little concerned about how it’s going to affect congestion and transportation. I mean, for the last year I’ve been driving past signs on all the major roads in the country advising me to plan my trip ahead because the roads will be chaos this summer. As if dedicated bus lanes on the M4 don’t already cause enough problems, some twat in a suit has decided it’s a good idea to stick an Olympics lane on the motorway, because that’s not going to cause 35 mile tailbacks when the traffic wombles decide to close all the lanes for no reason is it?

Then there are the trains. Getting to and from London by rail is painful enough at the best of times. In between strikes, leaves on the line, the wrong kind of snow, idiots jumping in front of them, unplanned maintenance on overhead power lines and general incompetence, throw a few thousand more people into the mix all trying to get to Stratford at the same time is bound to cause a few headaches.

Then there is the constant security threat because MI6 are convinced Achmed the terrorist is going to plant a bomb inside a discus. There’s a very real chance that some East-End wide boy might try and steal the Olympic torch and sell it down the market or the even greater threat that a London school kid might steal the starter’s pistol and shoot a rival gang member in the face.

There is a good argument that it will be good for our economy. Yes it probably will generate a lot of money but will it generate more money than it cost us to pay for the damn thing? Apparently it cost us £20 billion. Now that is a lot of money. It’s certainly more money than I think is worth spending for a few weeks of people running about in circles and throwing things. Of course I’m one of these people who questions the wisdom of allowing a group of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears. That’s the last thing we need if you ask me.
Most of the sports are a bit silly as well. I mean what is the point in curling? A bunch of people dressed in Lycra chasing a puck on some ice with broomsticks. The nutters who speed down flumes head first on a tea tray. I know that is the winter Olympics but it’s worth pointing out the stupidity of it. I don’t know how London is supposed to cater for some of the sports either. Beach volleyball for instance. Is there a beach anywhere near London? I don’t think there is much sand around the Thames and I can’t imagine many players being willing to jump in that swamp to fetch the ball.

I’d personally like the Olympics to go back to having traditional sports that involve lions in coliseums and gladiator death matches. I’d even settle for some kind of “It’s a knock-out” style games that involve people navigating an obstacle course and falling on their face a lot, preferably on spikes.

To be fair, we as a nation weren’t really bothered about hosting the Olympics until we found out France might get it. With our half-arsed attitude, I can’t help thinking that the 2012 London Olympics will be a bit of a flop. Of course the biggest disaster is not going to come from London gangsters, Arab terrorists, delays in the construction work and security companies not hiring enough staff or anything like that. The biggest catastrophe is going to come because most Olympic sports are hosted outside. Outside is where people are exposed to the elements. With our beautiful British Summer, all the athletes and spectators are going to get rained on constantly and freeze to death and ultimately join the rest of the indigenous population in queuing up to moan about the weather.