Arigato Mr Roboto

A few years ago I was privileged enough to be invited on an all expenses paid trip to Japan. It was a scheme set up by the Japanese government to apologise for forcing my granddad to work on a railway project during the war that went on to put Network Rail to shame.

Despite initially being apprehensive about visiting a country where I would be 3 feet taller than the rest of the population, and being expected to eat all my meals before they were cooked, I nevertheless thoroughly enjoyed my experience and have always said I would go back to the country in a heartbeat if given the chance.

During my visit, I travelled all over the country and experienced such diversity it’s impossible to explain. Still to this day I marvel at the place; the entirely different culture, the history, the temples and, of course, the technology. Even the raw fish was nice.

The humility of the average citizen was something else. Not only are they all very shy, polite and bow every time you make eye contact with them, they are also extremely helpful.

For example, one evening I was out in Tokyo with a girl who was also on the trip. During the course of events we managed to get ourselves a little bit lost. Now, getting lost is bad at the best of times but it’s even worse when you are in a foreign country where the majority of the people don’t speak the same language. It’s even worse when you know you have to be up early the next morning to visit the British Embassy.

Having asked a number of people in broken Japanese where the Eki is (that’s the phonetic spelling for the Japanese word for railway station don’t you know) we eventually came across a nice lady who spoke English. After much bowing and unnecessary apologising for not being better at English, she proceeded to give us directions.

Now, I’m used to people not knowing where things are when asked for directions and being sent completely the wrong way. Not his lady. She not only told us where the railway station was, she walked us there while she was doing it. She then helped us buy our tickets and told us which platform to get on. Then she thanked us and carried on with her journey. And then bowed.

The place is full of some beautiful and awe-inspiring scenery. It also has some quite immense cities. The Japanese are famous for their technology and, during my time there, I visited some of the well-known brand headquarters and was struck by the loyalty of the staff. In most cases, people spend their entire working life at the same place and they have a very different work ethic.

Japan is also known for its earthquakes. In most parts of the country, they build their houses out of cardboard so when an earthquake hits, they simply topple over with minimal damage and cost.

Sadly, when an earthquake happens under the sea, there is little that can be done about preventing the inevitable Tsunami. The devastation caused by the recent catastrophe was very sad indeed, especially as I know I would have been quite near some of the affected areas a few years ago. If the damage caused by the water wasn’t bad enough, they now have the prospect of their third Nuclear disaster on their hands.

Of course, most of this horror was caught live on television and, as we all know, the television is full of rubbish and lies. First, they were comparing the explosions at the Nuclear power stations to the Chernobyl disaster of 1986. This is obviously just sensationalist tabloid journalism and, in any case, it is a completely different reactor design. Certainly the situation is far from great but I think the poor people of Japan can do without this kind of claptrap from people who don’t have a clue what they are talking about.

The business news was keen to inform the rest of the world how badly the stock market had been affected and how Japan’s economy was already suffering. Well of course it is. They have just been hit by the biggest earthquake since those fabled records began. They had entire towns wiped out in floods and now Fukushima has a real threat of going super-nova.

Listening to some of these live reports, it hasn’t escaped my attention that every single news reporter always has to end their piece in some well rehearsed poetic finale with mock sadness in their voice. This is supposed to be the news, not William effing Shakespeare.

Now, I’m not exactly known for my tolerance towards stupid people. In fact I’m still of the opinion that everybody should be made to take an IQ test and if they fall below a minimum requirement they should have their reproductive organs removed so they are incapable of breeding.

So when I see some loud-mouth, spectacled bint wearing a tank-top appearing on the news claiming that Japan should have a better defence system against the threat of a Tsunami, my television ended up with yet more spit on it.

Seriously, what are the measures that can be taken? One suggestion was building a larger wall around a portion of coastline. I guarantee this would not stop the almighty hand of Mother Nature because when a wave crashes into a wall at 500mph, it will demolish it. All you will get is another flood with the added devastation caused by several million fragments of smashed rock being swept inland.

There has been a spate of horrendous natural disasters recently. What with the earthquake in New Zealand, the floods in Australia, the Volcano in Iceland and Adele getting to number 1 in the charts, the doomsayers (and Roland Emmerich) will be keen to remind everyone that the world is supposed to end in 2012 and these are just preludes to the cataclysmic event that will end all things.

Well I’m going out on a limb here. I predict this is all bollocks. The world is not going to end. There is more chance of Godzilla emerging from the Pacific. And what with Japan’s latest nuclear threat, that is a very real possibility.