Driving Miss Daisy round the bend

The other night I spent an entertaining 20 minutes watching a woman attempt to Parallel Park. I am not talking about a small space either. There was easily enough room for 3 cars. Or a truck. Possibly even an American. She would reverse diagonally, come forward and, without moving the steering wheel an inch, reverse back again. After hitting the curb, she came forward again, turned the wheel in the wrong direction and almost wiped out the car behind her before repeating the same routine over and over again, occasionally having her nose almost taken off by passing cars that she hadn’t bothered to check for when coming forwards.

Having nearly pulled a stomach muscle through laughing so much, I eventually decided enough was enough and did the honourable thing; I opened the door of the pub and ordered my pint.

Now to say that all women are crap at reverse parking is as inaccurate as claiming that all 17 to 21 year old males are dangerous and will crash within 10 minutes of passing their tests. In most cases this is true but it is just a generalisation. I passed my test at 17 and have never crashed my car. And there are plenty of women out there who can reverse park just fine. I’ve never met one but there must be. Surely.

It’s true that I have never personally met a woman who is confident at performing the task of reversing. Whenever I’ve been a passenger in the car I’ve always been made to get out of the vehicle and direct them into the space, which always ends in disaster because they will inevitably do the complete opposite to what I’m telling them to do.

They are all such experts when they are in the passenger seat though. They are always quick to inform you if you go 1 mile per hour over the speed limit, or tell you when they think a car is going to pull out of a side turning 5 miles ahead and, when a car does pull out in front of you, they will always tell you they knew that was going to happen.

Put them behind the wheel, however, and they fall to pieces. A lot of women I know are scared of driving on Motorways, scared and baffled by one-way systems, scared of driving at night, scared of driving in adverse weather conditions, they are slow, hesitant, they annihilate the transmission whenever they change gear, they are mostly confused by road signs and they are completely devoid of any sort of mechanical sensitivity.

The fear of motorways always baffles me. It has to be the easiest form of driving possible. All you have to do is drive in a straight line. You don’t have to worry about junctions or traffic lights. You generally don’t have to worry about obstacles on the road or pedestrians and you only have to worry about oncoming vehicles when an old aged pensioner misses the no entry signs and goes the wrong way down a slip road.

The other one is a fear of driving to places they have never been to before because they have a fear of getting lost. This, to me, is further evidence that women can’t read maps. It also explains why they can often be found crawling down major A-roads at 30 miles per hour.

Spatial awareness is another one. I do a lot of cycling and I can guarantee this happens every time I’m out: I’ll be cycling down a nice long straight bit of road that is wide enough to fit a bike, a car, an articulated lorry and a tank. There will be nothing coming the other way. There will always be one numpty who hesitates and hovers behind me in their car for half a mile and I guarantee, I absolutely guarantee every time, that it will be a woman.

I’ve also noticed that they are much less considerate drivers. When someone stops to let you out of a space or give way to someone coming the other way, it is common courtesy to raise a hand in thanks and acknowledgement. I’ve noticed fewer women seem to do this. They are also less likely to let you out of a space. In fact, forgetting their generally lousy reputation, white van men are the most courteous. Seriously.

Now, before you demand my loins on a silver platter, I should point out that these are just generalisations and casual observations. Obviously old people are in a league of their own but there are some men who are equally as bad.

I often sit there in complete bewilderment as to how some people managed to pass their driving test. Obviously, having started driving at the age of 12 by speeding round race tracks, I appreciate that I probably have a bit more confidence and general automobile knowledge than the average driver. In fact I have real problems with the way people are taught to drive.

Basically the driving instructor will teach you to drive a car to a minimum level that allows you to pass a test. There is little thought given to general competency or aptitude. If, for example, you practice in your own car as well as taking lessons, you are more likely to fail because you will start developing your own unique style of driving. These are deemed “bad habits” by the examiner. Forget that you will be more confident and more experienced than a nervous wreck who lacks any intuition and just does exactly what they are told. They are more likely to pass a test but will be a menace on the road because they lack one vital ingredient: Common sense.

I certainly didn’t agree with my driving instructor and his method of teaching me to reverse around a corner. In fact we almost had a full on fist fight over the subject.

His method was something like lining my wing mirror up with the door lock of the car I was reversing behind and then turning the wheel once my wing mirror was level with the rear of the car or some tripe like that. I pointed out that his method might work for a tiny Ford Fiesta but what happens when I pass my test and by a big van? I think I’ll just use judgement and hand-eye co-ordination if it’s all the same to you pal.

How do we get these incompetent buffoons off the road and improve safety? Well I think stricter rules should be brought in to weed out these imbeciles who are just a menace.

Personally I think if someone fails their test more than 3 times they should be excluded by default because they are obviously incapable of driving. People who are over 25 should not be allowed to take a test because they are obviously not interested enough in driving and if people are that disinterested in something they are not going to be any good at it. I think once people reach retirement age they should be made to take a competency test every year. Speed cameras on motorways should be replaced with centre-lane-hogger cameras and there should be a cumulative fine for repeat offenders. There should be a zero tolerance policy on drink driving. Basically if you are caught you are banned for life. I am convinced that by following these simple rules the roads will be a lot safer.

Oh and one last thing. I also think that anyone who buys a Nissan Micra should be put on a year’s probation because they always seem to be the worst offenders on the road. Fact.