Dull Reduction System

Like almost every other teenage boy in the mid-nineties, I went through a phase of fancying Pamela Anderson. Looking back, I’m not sure exactly why I liked her. It may have been because I was a teenager and would get aroused by anything vaguely female. It may have been because she was blonde and moderately attractive. It may possibly have been because she was almost always naked. It may have just been because she had enormous boobies.

It didn’t matter that they were plastic. They were huge. And everybody knows that huge boobies have a strange effect on teenage boys; much like moths to flames or Essex girls to fake tan.

It is much the same story with Katie Price. I personally find her to be one of the most annoying people on the planet and resent her for becoming a household name by basically being a glammed-up prostitute. Still, despite containing more silicone than the San Francisco Bay area, she has caused numerous teenage boys to go blind over the past decade and is a role model for most young teenage girls, which perhaps goes some way to explaining why the human race is getting dumber.

Michael Jackson was another example of someone who became even more famous and successful as a result of the addition of fake assets to his body. It didn’t matter that he turned into his own Madame Tussauds waxwork, he was still one of the most popular icons of the 20th Century.

What we can establish from this is being fake doesn’t stop things from working. In fact sometimes it can even improve the show. This brings me neatly on to the subject of overtaking in Formula 1.

For decades fans the world over have been moaning about the lack of overtaking. The sport has become so dull over the last few years that I can’t remember the last time I actually sat through a race without nodding off.

Formula 1 is the pinnacle of motor racing. It is supposed to be the ultimate contest of man vs. machine. This means that as well has showcasing the best drivers in the world, it is also supposed to showcase the best in technological innovation. The problem is that the technology is the main cause of the lack of overtaking.

Ever since the sport’s inception, the rule makers have had to find new and ingenious ways of slowing the cars down and making them more equal. The problem is that the designers and engineers are more intelligent than the rule makers and find loopholes in every regulation - as well as finding new avenues to explore - and make the cars twice as fast.

The biggest area of development in recent years has been in the aerodynamics department. This is the root cause of the overtaking issue because the turbulence and dirty air caused by following another car makes it almost impossible to keep the machine pointing in the right direction never mind attempting to overtake.

I’ve always said that the only way to make overtaking possible again is to ban aerodynamics altogether. Go back to having the cars little more than boxes on wheels and make everyone drive the same chassis with the same engines and the same tyres. Apart from solving the “dirty air” nonsense it will also make the racing closer because by having everybody competing on a level playing field, it puts the onus on driver talent and team work. This is why the world of Karting, Touring Cars and (dare I say it) pretty much all racing in America is so competitive and open.

This of course has two drawbacks. Firstly, it would put a lot of very talented people out of work. Secondly, it raises the argument of Formula 1 being the technical pinnacle of motor sport.

Well the first point is fair enough but the second point is bollocks in my opinion. Over the years devices like ABS, Traction Control, Active Suspension and Fully Automatic Gearboxes have all been banned. Millions of other gadgets and aerodynamic devices have also been outlawed so the sport doesn’t showcase the latest technology.

So, after years of making up silly rules that have done nothing but damage the sport’s reputation, the FIA finally came up with a set of rules that have improved the show: The introduction of the Drag Reduction System (DRS). This basically allows the driver behind to press a button that turns the car into the Batmobile and allows it to zip past the car in front.

Initially I was with the majority of fans who didn’t like DRS because it made overtaking seem fake. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that overtaking is overtaking. Much like boobies, whether it’s fake or not doesn’t matter. It still adds excitement to what has become the dullest sport next to Cricket. It also seems appropriate that they have overcome the lack of overtaking brought on by advancements in technology by using more technology. My suggestion of retrograde steps to bring back the concept of overtaking is all well and good but it would be like going back to an 80’s version of Kylie Minogue; sure you still would, but not with those shoulder pads or that hairstyle.

My only complaint is that the FIA have taken it upon themselves to dictate to the drivers when they can and cannot deploy the system. Surely they should be allowed to use it whenever they like. They are supposed to be the best drivers in the world and shouldn’t need to be told when it’s safe to overtake. If they mess up and crash into a wall it will be their fault. That will improve the show in itself.

I also think the FIA should go one step further with the new tyre rules. Pirelli have done a great job in making tyres that disintegrate after 5 laps but I think they should introduce sets of joker tyres that blow up at random intervals and hand these out randomly to teams throughout the season.

Once that rule has been successfully implemented, I would then suggest introducing more devices on the cars to aid overtaking. Firstly I would add Wacky Racing-style oil slicks that can be jettisoned from the back of the car in front. Next up would be the introduction of rocket launchers. That would both help cars overtake and make the sport more fun for the fans.

Once the cars had been turned into proper lethal racing machines again, I would turn my attention on driver regulations. Firstly I would fine Lewis Hamilton every time he uses the phrase “the team did a fantastic job”, I would give Mark Webber a one race ban every time he goes “aaaaaahhhhhhhhh” during a press conference, take one of Sebastien Vettel’s toes every time he does that crooked finger point after winning a race, take points off drivers with beards or designer stubble, exclude Fernando Alonso from every race because he’s an arsehole and ban all drivers for life every time they start becoming whiney little bitches.

It’s all about improving the show.