It's Batman vs. Superman in the digital age

People assume that because I race I must therefore know everything there is to know about cars. I must also be interested in all aspects of the automotive industry. Well I can tell you now this is wrong. I know nothing whatsoever about cars and I have little interest in knowing that the spec of somebody's tuned turbo charged engine is. I vaguely know how the internal combustion engine works but only because I’m immature and the “suck, squeeze, bang, blow” analogy always makes me giggle like a little girl.

It is the same issue with computers. People assume that because I work with a computer I must therefore know everything there is to know about all things computer related. It annoys the crap out of me because I don’t work with computers. I use a computer to do my job in the same way a taxi driver uses a car to do theirs. You wouldn’t expect a taxi driver to know how to service your car would you? They can barely drive the things.

Nevertheless, customers always phone up asking me to help fix their computer or ask me if I can help with some hardware or software issue. Either that or they demand to know why their internet connection has gone down because that obviously has to be my fault because it’s vaguely web related.

I always have trouble getting across the fact that, unless they want me to design and build them a website, I can’t help. I know nothing about computers and that it would be in their best interest if they buggered off and left me alone.

I tried explaining this to my elderly neighbour a few years ago when he wanted me to fix his computer because it was running slowly. I tried my hardest to explain that I use a computer like a tool in the same way a mechanic uses a spanner but sadly he couldn’t get his head around the concept either so I reluctantly did the neighbourly thing and attempted to help. Fortunately his issue was quite simple; his computer was running slowly as a result of loads of viruses and Trojans infecting his computer that he’d picked up from looking at a substantial amount of porn. My solution to the problem was to tell him not to be such a dirty old man.

A topic I refused to be drawn into or give any advice on is to do with the spec of a computer. Even worse is when someone asks whether they would be better buying a Mac or a PC.

There has been this long-running feud between Mac and PC users as to which one is superior. It’s much like the Everton vs. Liverpool argument in football or Holden vs. Ford in Australian Touring cars. But obviously with slightly more intellect and less bloodshed.

Now, let’s face facts here; Microsoft is rubbish. Everyone hates them and their unreliable software that requires 500 million patches to be downloaded every day to fix some glaringly obvious bug that a spotty 13 year old hacker has exploited. The same patches that crash your computer once installed and leave you with the famous blue screen of death.

Macs are much more reliable and have fewer problems. But then there are considerably fewer people who use them. This is a fact I always used to want to point out to David Mitchell and Robert Webb when they did those really patronising Mac adverts a few years ago.

I won’t sit here and pretend to be a computer snob. The truth is I couldn’t give a toss what computer I use as long as it does the job I ask of it. I use a PC and always have done simply because it’s what I’m familiar with. Having said that, I also use an iPhone, which as you very well know, is an Apple product.

I like my iPhone. I’ve become one of those annoying idiots who gets it out and plays with it every 5 minutes for no reason whatsoever. I also do that with my iPhone.

Whilst I don’t like the rubbish camera or the battery that lasts 5 seconds, I do like its simplicity. It is very intuitive and easy to use. I’m told this is what Apple is good at.

So last night my girlfriend came back from work with a new smart phone that she was given by her company. It’s one of those HTC things made by the Chinese, which means it was probably made in a sweat shop by an 8 year old girl. Anyway, they used to develop software in conjunction with Microsoft but have more recently collaborated with Google Android. She told me to have a play around on it, claiming that it would make me very jealous and want to ditch my iPhone in a heartbeat. Well it didn’t.

Firstly I found it very unintuitive. It was hard to navigate around the menus and not very well laid out. Although it had a better camera on it, the first time I tried taking a picture I ended up zooming in on her chest by accident, which was nice but not what I intended.

Another thing I like about the iPhone are the apps. I’ve got some useful things on mine including business tools, social networking sites, games, a spirit level and a lightsaber. Now, this HTC thing has also got apps but unless you are extremely rich it isn’t really worth your time downloading them.

So what about the phone itself? That is, after all, what its main use will be for. Well my girlfriend tried adding a contact to her address book and ended up inadvertently phoning her boss in the middle of the night. This made her feel extremely guilty.

As I said, I’m no computer snob and I’m certainly not going to become a phone snob. I bought the iPhone because it’s what all the kids are doing so it must be cool, right?

Nevertheless, my verdict is this: Everton are just as rubbish as Liverpool. They are both equally as rubbish as all other football teams on the planet. Holden is also rubbish because they are basically Vauxhall. Ford is no better. Australian Touring Car fans have about as much intellect as football fans. The combined IQ of a football fan or Aussie Touring Car fan is less than that of a soggy banana. And I’m sticking with the iPhone.