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Did you know that the blue whale is the largest animal ever? It stands at a whopping 105 feet which is 3 times bigger than the largest dinosaur. It weighs the same as nearly 3,000 average people... or 2 whole Americans.Here is another little known fact for you: My boss once scored a top 5 hit in the States and has done what very few English pop stars have managed and that is to break into the American market. It baffles my why so many pop stars waste so much time and energy trying to be big in America. Everybody is 'big' in America. It also baffles me why so many people want to waste their time making an impact on a country that is so insular and has little to no interest in any other country – unless they are invading it of course.
Seriously, have you ever seen American news? ‘America this, America that... oh and finally, millions perish when a big wave hit somewhere in a place called Asia’. The sad thing is that most Americans probably couldn’t identify any other countries on a map. Come to think of it most wouldn’t even be able to find America on a map... of America!
I once had an American woman email me to ask how much it would cost to come and watch one of my races. I told her it wouldn’t cost anything to watch but it might cost a few thousand dollars for flights and hotel accommodation. She replied by saying she was planning on driving! I did my best not to sound patronising when I explained that not only was it several thousand miles away, England isn't even on the same bit of land mass as America and I didn't think her car would last long in the Atlantic Ocean. She never did turn up.
When my brother went to Florida a few years back to get his pilots license, he told me a story about how a couple he got talking to asked him who he voted for in the presidential elections. They got somewhat confused when he explained that he didn’t vote because he is English and lives half way round the world. He tried explaining by pointing out that they wouldn’t vote for Tony Blair in the parliamentary elections, to which they replied "Tony who?" Special relationship my arse!
I find it scary that the country wields so much global power. A nation who treats their presidential elections like a reality TV talent show says a lot about the intelligence level of the average inhabitant. The fact that they voted for a cartoon character like George W Bush and only voted for Barack Obama because he's black is further proof of that.
The sad fact is that America is one of the most powerful and influential nations in the world. As a result, a lot of their influences are spreading into other countries. This is vividly evident in England. For instance, we have developed an American style culture of litigation. Every time I switch on the television I am presented with adverts trying to convince me to slip in the shower at home or run myself over at work and sue somebody for damages. I’m always hearing stories about people who have taken legal action against some poor unsuspecting individual because they happened to be in their property when they fell over. Stop blaming other people and take responsibility for your own clumsiness you bell-end!
The other thing that I’m sure is spreading from across the Atlantic is obesity. I remember when I went to America several years ago I was stunned at how rotund the average person was compared to the English. Not so any more. In fact Great Britain is now one of the fattest, laziest and unhealthy nations in Europe. It's not exactly the sort of achievement that should instil national pride is it?
Aside from eating, the other favourite pastime for Americans seems to be invading countries and starting wars. Now, they turned up late for both the first and second world wars and to be fair we were quite grateful when they finally decided to finish eating their bagels and join the party. They obviously felt bad at having missed the beginning of it because they have spent every day since picking fights with anyone who looks at them a bit funny in an apparent attempt to make up for it. They have had more fights with Korea than Oprah Winfrey has had hot dinners and they have had conflicts with pretty much every country that ends in ‘stan’.
They aren't even very good at it. Take the The Vietnam War. This basically started because France asked Mr Eisenhower to stop those nasty little communists from spreading into their territory by explaining that they might eventually spread to America. While the French did what they are best at and ran away, America spent the next 13 years knee deep in swamps where the most excitement came when Forest Gump got shot in the backside. After boredom struck they started pulling their troops out and claimed victory.
It has been a similar situation with the latest conflict in Iraq. Mr Bush wanted to finish what his Daddy started 10 years earlier and convinced his wife, Tony Blair, to allow British soldiers to act as target practice for the US troops. After swiftly dispatching the nice Mr Hussein, there was much whooping, back-slapping and burger eating by the Americans until it dawned on them that they hadn’t actually thought about what they were going to do once they seized control. Subsequently the last few years have been spent wasting time fighting rebel factions who mainly retaliate by throwing rocks and blowing themselves up. This will happen until boredom sets in and they pull all their troops out and claim victory.
Now the war on terror is no joke. Certainly 911 (or 119 as it’s known to every other country in the world) was a terrible thing and America was totally unprepared for such an attack by terrorists. We stood by them in their time of need. The thing is though, we were only able to do that because of our vast experience in dealing with terrorists ourselves, which was only made possible thanks to the Americans because if they hadn’t funded the IRA for all those years we wouldn’t know how to deal with terrorists either...
Seriously, I really don’t have anything against America or its people. I think they are wonderful. There is no other place in the world where they would shoot you in the back, sue you for wasting their bullet and then tell you to have a nice day. There is no other nation that puts so much effort into cramming as many calories into their food. No one else is better at accidentally opening fire on its allies on such a consistent basis. Most of all, there is no other nation in the world that is so oblivious to how much the rest of the world hates them. God bless America!