Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Without doubt, one of the most well known, popular, funny and timeless sketch shows of all time is Monty Python. There are so many classic sketches: The parrot sketch, the Spanish Inquisition, the lumberjack song, the cheese shop sketch, the Ministry of Silly Walks... the list is just endless.

Perhaps the reason I have such a warped sense of humour is because I was brought up watching Monty Python. My formal sex education was provided by Terry Gilliam’s weird animations, which perhaps goes some way to explaining why I’m also such a deviant.

One sketch they did was about the tax department. They were talking about how they had run out of things to tax so perhaps they should put a tax on “thingy”. Although they never actually mention what “thingy” is – other than reassuring Graham Chapman that it wasn’t poo poos – They were obviously insinuating that they should tax sex. Now, this used to be funny. Sadly, the only part of this sketch I find amusing now is the use of the word poo poos, but that’s just because I’m juvenile. The reason I no longer find it funny is because I honestly wouldn’t put it past the government to impose something like that now. They have banned everything else fun. They have also taxed pretty much everything with the exception of poo poos, number 1’s and the all time number 1. How long will it be before I have to cough up before getting it up?

Everybody knows that that the government are basically thieving bastards. And they don’t come more thieving or more bastardy or lacking in any kind of charisma, social life or moral values than HM Revenue and Customs.

Being a non-ministerial department of the government means - obviously - no government ministers. Under normal circumstances this would make this department the best there is because government ministers are below pond life in the natural pecking order. Sadly this isn’t the case because HM Revenue and Customs deal with tax. They rob us blind with things like VAT, inheritance tax, income tax, corporation tax, capital gains tax, excise duties, stamp duty and environmental taxes like air passenger duty and the pointless climate change levy. They also deal with National Insurance contributions and the distribution of child benefit.

Now, whilst someone only has to utter a word like “tax”, “immigrant”, “politician”, or “America” to make my blood boil, my darling wife-to-be is the most placid, laid back, easy going person in the world. It takes a lot to rile her. So when I hear her fuming over a few bits of paper, my interest is piqued somewhat.

First let me explain something. She became self employed about a year ago at the behest of her would-be employer. This is because he is a graphic designer and consequently too busy smoking weed to know anything about employing people. Mention words like PAYE, National Insurance or pension to a designer and they will simply spark up another joint, nod their head and call you “dude”.

Anyway, I went in to see what all the fuss was about. She was getting confused by the ridiculous and unnecessarily complicated wording for her tax returns. She didn’t want to do it online because she said the website was a load of bollocks. Being something of an Internet and website guru, I always do things online so I checked it out for myself.

Now, if you are a regular reader of my rants, you may recall one I did about the National Grid’s website, which is about as clear as a teenager’s face. The HM Revenue and Customs site is pretty much the same only in green. It basically looks like someone has taken a rather runny poo on the screen.

I could go on for ages about how awful their website is but I simply don’t have the energy. In short, I invented 3 new swear words before shutting off my computer and going back to help her.

Apart from having to fill in your details on about a million different pages and answer pointless questions that have been written by an illiterate, the form itself is quite simple. You basically have to add up all your earnings, add up your expenditure, write down your net profit and make sure you have kept all your receipts in case Don Corleone from the tax office comes round with a pony and a hacksaw.

However, they appear to have gone out of their way to make this most simple of mathematical tasks difficult by putting in notes referencing abbreviated notes on other pages with notes referencing yet more pages which make no sense whatsoever. They are also very good at telling you what you cannot claim for but there is very little information offering what you can claim for. Not only that but they like to point out at every opportunity that failure to complete the form correctly will result in you being imprisoned, hung, drawn, quartered and then burnt at the stake.

I’ve never understood the logic of what you can and cannot claim for. Since I moved the web business into a home office, I no longer have to personally pay for things like tea, coffee, soap or toilet paper. I can run those things through the company. However, I cannot claim for things like biscuits because they are deemed to be a perk. Really? Is a chocolate Hobnob really more of a perk than wiping my own arse?

Now, whilst the beloved future Mrs Grumpy may be anything but, she is a natural worrier. She has been known to make herself ill by worrying about the most trivial things. So the thought of being taken to Guantanamo bay and sentenced to death for tax evasion almost made her sick.

Because I would have ended up strangling someone at the local tax office if I had intervened, I got my lovely accounts lady to look at it for her and she suggested that, because she questioned the legality of certain aspects of her slave labour rate, she arranged a meeting with HM Revenue and Customs and they would go through it with her. She also said she would need to de-register as self-employed as soon as possible before the tax man came round and blowtorched her leg off.

Anyway, after the usual façade of having to phone dozens of numbers, either listening to automated multiple choice quizzes or speaking to incompetent idiots who can’t be bothered to do their job, she was finally granted her freedom.

She has now got herself a great job with a really nice company who offer many perks. I am hoping that she will earn enough to support me so I can give up my job and become a house husband because I’m bored with working and I’m also fed up of having to eat toilet paper because I can’t claim for biscuits. I mean I knew running a business was challenging but I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition...