Pascal Wehrlein Wins Formula E Title By Doing Absolutely Nothing

Pascal Wehrlein has been crowned Formula E world champion after completing the remarkable final stage of his title campaign by scoring precisely zero points, demonstrating that the quickest route to motorsport success is apparently to stop doing anything and hope everyone else makes a complete mess of it.

The Porsche driver arrived at the London finale locked in a championship battle with Jake Dennis and Mitch Evans, then promptly finished outside the points in the final race.

And yet he won the championship.

This was largely because Dennis also failed to score, while Evans encountered the sort of race-ending misfortune that Formula E has spent years perfecting with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker.

“I think the plan was to win the championship,” said one Porsche engineer. “Then we realised we could also win it by not winning the championship. Frankly, this was much less tiring.”

Wehrlein therefore became only the second driver to win two Formula E world titles, joining the exclusive club of people who have discovered that motorsport championships are sometimes less about driving quickly and more about making sure everyone else has a worse afternoon.

Dennis was understandably unimpressed, describing the championship outcome as “embarrassing”.

Formula E officials have reportedly defended the result, pointing out that championships are decided by accumulated points rather than the ancient human tradition of expecting the person who wins to actually look like they have won.

The new Gen4 era will now begin with substantially faster cars, more power and even more sophisticated technology.

There are concerns, however, that engineers may have gone too far.

“The Gen4 car is capable of incredible performance,” said one insider. “We’re currently investigating whether it can complete an entire race without somebody accidentally becoming world champion.”

Wehrlein, meanwhile, is expected to return next season and defend his title.

Although given how this one ended, Porsche's official strategy is apparently to park the car in the garage and wait for everybody else to crash.