Please hold. Your call is important to us

Having been mortgaged up the arse for the last 7 years, I’m no stranger to big expenses. More recently, my girlfriend and I have decided that we need an extension, a conservatory and a new garage. She also thinks it’s a good idea to knock down all the interior walls, hire someone to bump off our elderly neighbour and join the two houses together to make one huge mansion. Sadly, however, I misplaced my pair of trousers with that spare million quid I keep for a rainy day. So we have decided to start small by getting a new kitchen.

The plans we have require us to move the gas and electric meters. My first port of call was E.ON because they supply our gas and electricity. You might think this is a relatively straightforward thing to do. If you think that you would be very much mistaken.

First I had to go through the usual rigmarole of listening to a computerised woman’s voice giving me the option of 6 buttons to press on my phone. I had to repeat this process down another 4 levels before finally coming to a dead-end where the computer woman told me to hold if I wanted to speak to a customer support adviser. So I was put on hold.

After an hour of listening to Greensleeves, I finally got through to a human. The problem was he had the strongest Irish accent I’ve ever encountered so I couldn’t understand a word he said. After being asked for my reference number, address, postcode, memorable name (which it turns out isn’t memorable at all), inside leg measurement and name of my first school, he confirmed I was actually me. This was something of a relief to me as I haven't been feeling myself lately.

Anyway, I told him I needed to move my gas and electricity meters and asked who I need to speak to in order to get this done. He didn’t know so I was put on hold while he found out.

After another 2 hours of Greensleeves, he came back and asked me how far I wanted to move them so I told him I needed to move my gas meter about a foot and the electricity meter about 6 or 8 feet. I explained that I wanted to move them both outside. So I was put on hold again.

After another 4 hours of being on hold, he came back and said that is fine. I asked how much it would be. He didn’t know and had to ask his superior. So I was put back on hold.

He came back an hour later and quoted me £50. I asked him if he was sure because that didn’t sound much for the work involved, especially as I would imagine moving them outside would involve drilling holes in concrete walls and presumably doing a bit of rewiring. That seemed to confuse him a bit so he put me back on hold.

He came back and said it was definitely right and he could book the appointment now if I gave him my bank details. He put me on hold again while he waited for the transaction to complete. When he came back he gave me an authorisation code and said he was just booking the appointment for me. So I was put on hold. Again.

Then he came back and said he couldn’t get through to the booking department but gave me their number so I could book an appointment at my convenience. I was a bit annoyed by this given that I was essentially doing his job but I was so desperate to speak to someone I could actually understand, I thanked him for his time and phoned the other number.

So I got through to EDF Energy where I had to go through the same multiple choice telephone quiz in order to be put through to the right department. Eventually I came to the end of the line where I was informed that all the sales team were busy. So I was put on hold.

After another 11 hours, I eventually got through to a bored sounding bloke who said he couldn’t help and I had to phone a different number. So I phoned that number and went through exactly the same multi-choice keypad quiz that I had done moments before.

This time I decided not to press any of the options after the 7th or 8th sub level of the phone digit quiz and waited for another 10 hours for a human who put me through to the correct department, where I was put on hold.

Of course it turned out not to be the correct department. The woman on the other end of the line told me they couldn’t help with the gas and that I needed to contact E.ON. She also couldn’t help with moving the electricity meter because they don’t deal with that – at least not in her department – and she didn’t know who would be able to help me with it. She again suggested I spoke to E.ON.

At this point I was really rather cross so I phoned E.ON back on the same number as before but bizarrely got a completely different multi-choice questionnaire to tap into my phone. I also had to vocally tell the automated phone Dalek my account number. Instead of doing this I simply swore into my phone very loudly. Apparently the computer can’t interpret the F word, the C word or any other expletive so I was put through to a sales adviser, which of course meant being put on hold.

This time I was put through to an English person rather than a Leprechaun which made things easier. He asked how he could help so I started by saying that he could refund my 50 quid and perhaps also tell me how much of the outside world had changed since I first dialled the phone a century earlier.

Apparently sarcasm was lost on him so I explained the situation and he admitted to being a little confused as to why I had been forced go through all those steps but he would just check the correspondence on his computer. So he put me on hold.

He came back to me and confirmed that he couldn’t help with gas and that I needed to contact a gas safe engineer, which I’m assuming is the same thing as a plumber. He then stated that he didn’t know why I was charged £50, especially as it was EDF who carry out the work, not E.ON. He gave me a different number for them and told me it might be worth giving them a call. Now, having wised up to this tactic, I informed him that unless he made the call himself I would rip my electricity meter out of my wall, drive down to E.ON headquarters and ram it down his throat. Being a courteous English chap he offered to make the call for me. So I was put on hold.

He came back some time later with the news that it would cost between £700 and £1,200 to get it moved. I thanked him for his time and hung up.

So after what seemed like 38 hours on the phone, 30 of which were spent listening to Greensleeves, 4 were spent shouting or swearing, 3 were spent pressing digits on the keypad and only 1 actually speaking to another living being, I am still no closer to getting either my gas or electricity meters moved, I’m still not sure what has happened to my 50 quid, I still don’t know what number I need to phone but I know it’s going to cost more to get the gas and electricity meters moved than it is to re-do the kitchen. It will certainly cost less than the amount I spent on phone calls trying to find out.