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Donald Trump has reacted to a humiliating Republican defeat in the US midterm elections by declaring the results an extraordinary personal triumph, describing the Democratic takeover of both chambers of Congress as "one of the greatest victories ever witnessed by anybody, possibly in the history of victories".The Democrats swept to control of the House and Senate following a spectacular electoral rejection of Trump's presidency, leaving Republicans wondering whether they had accidentally campaigned in the wrong country.
Trump, however, was having none of it.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, he insisted the results had nothing whatsoever to do with him, despite spending the previous six months telling voters that every Republican candidate was personally hand-picked, personally endorsed and personally blessed by his extraordinary political genius.
"I wasn't even on the ballot," he explained. "People keep saying it's a referendum on Trump. Well, I wasn't running. I could have won every single state. Easily. Biggest landslide. Tremendous numbers."
The President subsequently blamed the defeat on Democrats, the media, postal workers, bad weather, suspiciously shaped voting machines and what he described as "a very nasty conspiracy involving people who don't appreciate winning".
He also suggested that several Republican candidates had let him down by failing to look sufficiently enthusiastic during campaign photographs.
Republicans reportedly suffered particular embarrassment in traditionally safe territory, with Democrats recording spectacular victories in Texas, Kansas, Iowa and South Carolina. Political analysts described the results as a seismic shift in American politics.
Trump described them as "fake geology".
Meanwhile, the President has reportedly instructed aides to investigate whether the midterm elections could be retrospectively reclassified as a presidential golf tournament, where losing by 20 points could technically count as winning if the other player had an unfair advantage.
The White House has also floated the possibility of introducing a new electoral system in which votes are weighted according to how much the voter likes the President's hair.
Under the proposed arrangements, Trump would receive approximately 900 million votes, with everyone else receiving a complimentary photograph of him standing next to a very large flag.
Democrats, who now control Congress, have promised investigations into the administration, something Trump has described as "deeply unfair, very un-American and frankly quite rude".
He has also threatened to veto anything that makes him look bad, including legislation, press releases and photographs taken from below.
As the dust settles, Republicans are facing two difficult years of congressional opposition, investigations and legislative paralysis.
Trump, meanwhile, remains characteristically optimistic.
"I'm winning so much," he announced. "In fact, I think I'm going to win the next midterms too. Nobody's ever won midterms like me. Nobody."
He then reportedly asked whether the Democrats could be investigated for winning too many seats. The investigation is expected to begin immediately, pending approval from the Department of Nobody Likes Me.