Why America doesn't get motor racing

Now, I have to admit something. I'm bored with Formula 1. I stopped being interested in it years ago and only watch it now out of habit. I guess it's a combination of the politics, cheating, blatant favouritism and stupid regulations that leave me feeling about as interested in it as having sex with Ann Widdecombe.

Back in 1993, I did start getting quite interested in the Indycar series when Moustache Mansell joined the other washed up ex Formula 1 drivers and I continued to follow Champcar when the American civil war broke out. Sadly, however, the Americans don’t seem to realise that there are other countries outside The United States and don’t broadcast it on many channels.

However, the other week while I was busy looking for porn, I caught a bit of NASCAR. Now, I am aware that the NASCAR series is the biggest thing in the States since the invention of the burger but I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I’m not a redneck from the Deep South who sleeps with his sister and plays the banjo but I just don’t see what all the fuss is about.

Basically, as far as I could tell, 40 odd drivers, most of whom look too old and fat to be racing drivers, follow each other round in a big circle driving cars that look like giant matchboxes covered in never before heard of company sponsors. They just sit on each others bumpers for a few hours not doing much until the last lap when the guy at the back decides he’s going to be brave and overtakes everybody.

Seriously, the last couple of laps were quite exciting but I had to sit there for the entire race for two laps of excitement. Surely it would be more sensible to have lots of short sprint races like that? After all it is called the sprint cup. It seems rather illogical given that they have 500 mile races. That's a bit like referring to the London Marathon as a quick jog.

I know that I can’t really complain about the lack of overtaking because it is worse in Formula 1. If a driver so much as comes within stalking distance of a rival driver they will get chastised for being dangerous and fined a thousand million quid – unless they are driving a Ferrari of course.

The sad fact is that America, despite its relative wealth and automotive strength, is pretty rubbish when it comes to motor racing. Maybe it’s because they are so insular and don’t realise that there is a whole world outside their precious country. Maybe it is because they are just not very good.

Let’s look at the facts here. In 60 years there have only been two American Formula 1 champions. Phil Hill won the title in 1961 by virtue of his ability not to die in a fireball like most of his fellow competitors. Mario Andretti won the world championship in 1978 as a result of driving a British car designed by a British design genius that was literally light years ahead of its rivals in terms of technology. He also managed not to kill himself unlike his team mate, thereby winning the championship. The rest of his Formula 1 career was actually rather unremarkable.

Now let’s look at some of the disasters America has produced. Michael Andretti was so useless that McLaren ditched him before he had even managed to compete a full season. More embarrassing for him was the fact that our very own Nigel Mansell went the other way and pissed all over the Yanks in their own back yard in his first season.

Scott Speed was not only a pathetically useless driver but he was also an obnoxious turd and epitomised everything the rest of the world despises about the Yanks – loud, rude, boring, arrogant and completely oblivious to the fact that everyone around him hated his burger-eating guts.

Guys like Eddie Cheever, Richie Ginther, Mark Donohue, Peter Revson and Dan Gurney were average at best and I’m not even going to comment on the farce that was the USF1 project.

Now I know he was Canadian, and they are about as American as the Scots are English, but I dispute the common assertion that Gilles Villeneuve was a legend. He was just a lunatic. He crashed more than any other driver of his time and ended up killing himself as a result of his dangerousness. His son was useless as well and only won the 1997 title because, like Mario Andretti, was driving a British car that was far superior to any other. Oh, and he inherited most of his wins through other people’s misfortunes that year too.

Compare the success rate to that of South America and the results are quite the opposite. Juan Manual Fangio won 5 world titles, Emerson Fittipaldi won 2, Nelson Piquet won 3 and Ayrton Senna won 3. There have also been some other notable drivers including Rubens Barrichello, Felipe Massa, Carlos Reutemann and Juan Pablo Montoya to name but a few.

It’s not just the drivers either. What have America given the world of International motor racing? Ford? Wrong. It was the Cosworth engine that dominated the world of motor racing for so long. And is Cosworth American? No, it’s British.

Aside from Dan Gurney’s Eagle project in the 1960’s I can’t really think of another American manufacturer that has achieved anything of real significance in the motor racing world.

So why are the Americans so useless at motor racing? Well I have a theory. You see America also has a reputation for building road cars that handle like sacks of lard. Sure they might have big, noisy, powerful engines that growl like a butch lesbian but try taking them round a corner and they will squeal and whimper like a little bitch.

You see in America they tend to mainly race on ovals, meaning they only need to build cars that turn left at high speed. Therefore, they have absolutely no idea how to build cars that turn the other way or turn at slow speeds. It also means that American drivers are incapable of doing the same which explains why they are all such hopeless imbeciles behind the wheel.

So have America actually produced anything that is a benefit to the motor racing world? Well yes. They gave us Danica Patrick. Not only is she a benefit to the racing world but she is a benefit to men all over the world, whether they are interested in motor racing or not.