Will the real Team Lotus please stand up?

There are some things in this world that just annoy me. Take Jamie Oliver for instance. I’m sure he is a perfectly nice man. As well as single-handedly solving the world’s obesity problem by forcing school children to eat lumps of mud for lunch, he seems like a normal down-to-earth kind of guy. And I still want to punch him in the face. I can’t explain it. There is just something about his face that makes me want to take a hammer to it.

There are other people who I similarly want to punch in the face. These are (in no particular order) Tony Blair, Cherie Blair, Gordon Brown, David Beckham, Gordon Ramsey, Russell Brand, Sandi Toksvig, IT consultants, Bill Oddie, people who speak in acronyms, people who spell “your” when it should be “you’re”, sociology students, Simon Cowell, Elton John, Justin Bieber, Fernando Alonso and Max Mosley. I’d also quite like to punch Bernie Ecclestone to the floor and rob him blind but other people keep beating me to it.

You might notice that the last three names are from the world of Formula 1. Now, Formula 1 is something else that annoys me. Mainly because it is so corrupt and full of politics, bitching, whining and idiotic knee-jerk rule changes made by a bunch of suits in Paris who have no idea about racing at all.

The politics and idiotic bureaucracy is a direct result of the vast sums of money involved. This is money that comes in from big corporations and often these are the car manufacturers who basically monopolise the sport now.

The recent news that Group Lotus has formed a partnership with the Renault F1 team to enter the 2011 season as “Lotus Renault GP” is a prime example of the kind of nonsense I’m talking about. Not just because Renault are now sponsored by Lada as well as Lotus but because the news of this merger came only a short time after Tony Fernandez signed a deal with Renault to use their engines for 2011 and also purchased the rights to the name “Team Lotus” from David Hunt; the brother of 1976 world champion James Hunt.

So what this now means is that we have the prospect of Team Lotus Renault competing against Lotus Renault GP. What could have been even more confusing is that both teams wanted to run in the classic black and gold livery in deference to the old John Player Special Lotuses of the 1970’s and 1980’s. Fortunately Team Lotus decided to stick with the even more iconic British Racing Green but nevertheless it was all great publicity for John Player, especially when you consider they haven’t sponsored a team since 1986. And tobacco advertising is banned.

In any case, this is just another classic example of how big companies – especially car manufacturers and their incestual raping of each others brands – have left yet more controversy and lawsuits that make Formula 1 less appealing every year.

We’ve had it so many times in the past. Take another legendary team: Tyrrell. When they finally closed their shed doors at the end of 1998 they were bought out by British American Tobacco and the team became BAR. After wasting billions on the useless waste of space that is Jacques Villeneuve, they sold up to Honda who went on to waste just as many Yen. When Honda pulled out, Ross Brawn bought the team and they went on to dominate as Brawn GP before selling out to Mercedes who sent the team spiralling down the toilet again.

Then there was the situation with Ford. They persuaded Jackie Stewart and his son Paul to stop messing about in Formula 3 and start an F1 team. Once they started winning races, Ford then decided to buy them and re-brand them as Jaguar – who Ford own. After sending the team down the toilet, they sold out to Red Bull.

Then there was the situation with BMW. After years of trying to convince Sir Frank to give up his team, BMW finally realised that it is still impossible for the Germans to win a battle against Britain so they invaded Switzerland instead and bought Sauber. After only a few years they sold the team back to Sauber again.

It appears that Proton is causing some of this confusion. I know that before Colin Chapman shuffled off his mortal coils, he had two companies: Lotus Cars and Team Lotus. Lotus Cars built road cars and also designed a time travelling DeLorian that gave Marty McFly the opportunity to uncomfortably make out with his mum. Team Lotus built cars for the Formula 1 team.

Now, when Team Lotus folded at the end of 1994, David Hunt bought the rights to the name; rights that he held until finally selling to Mr Fernandez.

Even though Team Lotus folded, the Lotus Cars continued and in 1986, it was bought by General Motors who in turn sold the company to Bugatti in 1993. In 1996, Proton bought the Lotus Group.

So when Tony Fernandez was given permission by Proton, who own the Lotus Group and also helped fund the team, to use the Lotus name and also bought the rights to Team Lotus, this brought Lotus back to life although it was completely unrelated to the original Lotus. Confused yet?

So now Proton are saying that they no longer wish to support Lotus and have instead decided to buy a majority share in Renault F1. They are now taking Lotus to court over the use of the name even though they gave them permission to use it and Tony Fernandez has the legal right to Team Lotus. Is that about right?

So as far as I can tell Proton are the ones causing all this controversy by ditching Lotus in order to switch their allegiance to… err… Lotus? Or is it Renault? Either way, I had never heard of Dany Bahar until he announced the merger between Lotus and Renault. It turns out he is the CEO of The Lotus Group or Lotus Cars or Group Lotus or whatever they are called now. I only know it has nothing to do with Team Lotus and I know that I now want to punch him in the face.