I've received a number of emails over the years from some really nice Africans who delight in informing me that one of my long lost relatives has been tragically killed and I've inherited millions. I've also won the Nigerian lottery several times. With all these dead African uncles and lottery wins, I am now one of the richest people in the world. Unfortunately I've never actually seen any of the money. Still, they are nice to chat to and living proof that evolution isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Why else would an individual who is clearly Nigerian offer to give me tens of thousands of pounds using a stolen credit card?
I know, today I'll email a bunch of random Indians to see if they want to outsource any work.
It's like Ebay for the black market
Of course my website is legitimate. I sell guns and government secrets and also deal in human trafficking.
How about you keep all the remaining stock and I give you a guided tour of my shed? It's a nice shed.
As I technically employ myself, do I need to notify myself of the new pension law and then reply to myself telling myself I already have a pension?
Yes please do some SEO work for me. I can't afford to pay you but we can get married and I can toss you off every week.
If you need money laundering, forgery, wrestling tickets or you just need someone killed, please let me know because I can help you out.
Yes please send me a list of people who use a product so I can sell them the product they already have. That makes sense.
It's a difficult decision. Kate's had two children but Pippa might have been gingered by Harry and I don't want to catch Gingervitis
Facebook are giving away nearly half a million dollars to random people as a way of saying thank you for allowing them to steal your personal information.
So let me get this straight; I've inherited seven million dollars from my African uncle and I can claim the money if I give you my credit card details and donate a kidney to your wife?
Can you please get my website to number one on the Google? The site is dedicated to beastiality. I mean full on animal on animal porn would just be weird.
So if I tell my imaginary friend to leave, does that mean I would still be eligible for the single occupancy discount? And can you please reimburse me the cost of a stamp?
Please take this matter seriously because otherwise Getty Images might get very, very cross and, no, we do not accept self portraits as a form of payment.
