Latest Rants

Sometimes when people are talking to me I have this voice in my head that tells me to punch them in the face. This is happening more and more frequently and I'm starting to wonder whether I'm becoming less and less tolerant towards normal people, or whether normal people are just becoming more and more stupid. To be honest I think it's a combination of both.

 

Amazon raped my credit card

Amazon raped my credit card

Amazon pride themselves on their great customer service. It's a shame I've been dealing with mongoloids

 

I'm joining ISIS. I saw it on Youtube

I'm joining ISIS. I saw it on Youtube

It's just not possible to ban all people with a beard and pig spunk round their mouths from using the internet

 

Stop telling me what to do, Mrs Healthcare

Stop telling me what to do, Mrs Healthcare

I think I might be thirsty. I would drink some water but I'm afraid it might give me cancer or make me fat.

 

My head is in the clouds

My head is in the clouds

If you're going to change, change for the better. Don't be like an albino wrecking ball.

 

No, you're not the number one

No, you're not the number one

Being asked silly questions is almost as annoying as that being on "It's a Small World" at Disneyland with Nicki Minaj.

 

Plus net minus broadband equals anger

Plus net minus broadband equals anger

Never let a monkey wire a plug. It may result in high blood pressure, haemorrhaging and anger management sessions.

 

Just a load of waffle

Just a load of waffle

Viruses, dead people, Google, Facebook, the ninja arts of Amazon and the increasing smell of Kim Jong Un

 

Follow that taxi. Just don't shoot me

Follow that taxi. Just don't shoot me

Commit a crime, get sent to jail for several years and come out and run for president. That's how it works, right?

 

A blinding example of a good eye test

A blinding example of a good eye test

Either opticians are cruel and like to humiliate their patients as much as possible, or my optician fancies me.

 

Crappy New Year to you all

Crappy New Year to you all

No weird shots, no curry, no twats ruining everyone else's night by getting drunk and starting a fight and I feel less grumpy.

 

Commission this Officer

Commission this Officer

What is the point in voting for someone who we've never heard of to do a job we know nothing about in an election of no importance?

 

Don't discriminate or help the aged

Don't discriminate or help the aged

Sometimes you have to accept when you are past your best and gracefully retire, not go and race in America.

 

Cornwall literally does my head in

Cornwall literally does my head in

If King Arthur really did exist and genuinely did come from Tintagel, I conclude he must have been a dwarf.

 

£50,000 to the biggest idiot

£50,000 to the biggest idiot

Whether something is coloured red, orange or green isn’t going to stop the majority of people being morons.

 

Not so bright and son

Not so bright and son

Never trust a bunch of self governing cretins who make their own rules and make a living by taking money off people.

 

Don't talk crap, toilet humour is funny

Don't talk crap, toilet humour is funny

To delve into the bowels of this month's problem I am replacing my soapbox with a stool.

 

Making a thing out of some bollocks

Making a thing out of some bollocks

If you don't tell me what you want, how the hell do you expect me to know what to do Mr corporate idiot?

 

Forget nostalgia, bring me the Zimmer

Forget nostalgia, bring me the Zimmer

Take me out the pasture and shoot me in the head. I'm over the hill and past my prime. But at least I still have my hair

 

The celebrity virus is killing us all

The celebrity virus is killing us all

If I dressed up in a coat made out of panda entrails and then set fire to myself, I'm not convinced people would let me design their website.

 

Running away for Queen and country

Running away for Queen and country

It's dangerous out there. There are people with guns and everything. Not fake ones, proper ones.

 

An Olympic catastrophe

An Olympic catastrophe

Do we really want to let a bunch of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears? That's just asking for trouble.

 

Regulate this Mr Todt

Regulate this Mr Todt

How about introducing regulations to prevent Formula 1 drivers from being whiney little bitches and talking nonsense?

 

Getting royally annoyed with the state

Getting royally annoyed with the state

Comparing her majesty to Mickey Mouse might be construed as treason. Protesting about her definitely is and should be punishable by death.

 

Follow the leader, and then kill them

Follow the leader, and then kill them

If you can't beat them, beat them. Because they will be expecting you to join them so you'll have the element of surprise

 

Norfolk Sky's the limit

Norfolk Sky's the limit

The problem with being good at something is you become sought after, even if you are a Norfolk country bumpkin.

 

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Eddie Hall Author: Let Me Just Say Eddie Hall Author: A Certain Point of View