Sometimes when people are talking to me I have this voice in my head that tells me to punch them in the face. This is happening more and more frequently and I'm starting to wonder whether I'm becoming less and less tolerant towards normal people, or whether normal people are just becoming more and more stupid. To be honest I think it's a combination of both.
Amazon pride themselves on their great customer service. It's a shame I've been dealing with mongoloids
It's just not possible to ban all people with a beard and pig spunk round their mouths from using the internet
I think I might be thirsty. I would drink some water but I'm afraid it might give me cancer or make me fat.
If you're going to change, change for the better. Don't be like an albino wrecking ball.
Being asked silly questions is almost as annoying as that being on "It's a Small World" at Disneyland with Nicki Minaj.
Never let a monkey wire a plug. It may result in high blood pressure, haemorrhaging and anger management sessions.
Viruses, dead people, Google, Facebook, the ninja arts of Amazon and the increasing smell of Kim Jong Un
Commit a crime, get sent to jail for several years and come out and run for president. That's how it works, right?
Either opticians are cruel and like to humiliate their patients as much as possible, or my optician fancies me.
No weird shots, no curry, no twats ruining everyone else's night by getting drunk and starting a fight and I feel less grumpy.
What is the point in voting for someone who we've never heard of to do a job we know nothing about in an election of no importance?
Sometimes you have to accept when you are past your best and gracefully retire, not go and race in America.
If King Arthur really did exist and genuinely did come from Tintagel, I conclude he must have been a dwarf.
Whether something is coloured red, orange or green isn’t going to stop the majority of people being morons.
Never trust a bunch of self governing cretins who make their own rules and make a living by taking money off people.
To delve into the bowels of this month's problem I am replacing my soapbox with a stool.
If you don't tell me what you want, how the hell do you expect me to know what to do Mr corporate idiot?
Take me out the pasture and shoot me in the head. I'm over the hill and past my prime. But at least I still have my hair
If I dressed up in a coat made out of panda entrails and then set fire to myself, I'm not convinced people would let me design their website.
It's dangerous out there. There are people with guns and everything. Not fake ones, proper ones.
Do we really want to let a bunch of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears? That's just asking for trouble.
How about introducing regulations to prevent Formula 1 drivers from being whiney little bitches and talking nonsense?
Comparing her majesty to Mickey Mouse might be construed as treason. Protesting about her definitely is and should be punishable by death.
If you can't beat them, beat them. Because they will be expecting you to join them so you'll have the element of surprise
The problem with being good at something is you become sought after, even if you are a Norfolk country bumpkin.