The Magazine
Everything except the junk mail, newest first.
137 pieces
President insists Democrats winning Congress is actually a tremendous victory, provided nobody looks at the results.
Colton Herta has demonstrated that his highly developed ability to crash into things is fully transferable between continents.
The Tories unveil boldest plan yet to rescue Britain from economic catastrophe.
Britain Has Decided Brexit Was Rubbish, So Naturally We’re Having Another Argument About It
Uber announces plans to cut 3,300 jobs in an attempt to simplify its management structure, prompting executives to question how they ended up with 3,300 employees.
Range Rover unveils its first fully electric vehicle, finally answering the question nobody has been asking.
World leaders gathered for an emergency summit this week after discovering that bombing oil tankers tends to make petrol more expensive.
Keir Starmer resigns as an MP, leaving Britain wondering whether the former Prime Minister is capable of resigning from anything without making it a two-part series.
Businesses around the world have begun replacing desks, chairs, photocopiers and managing directors with Nvidia graphics processors.
By our Housing Correspondent, who has been on the waiting list since 2003
After Donald Trump signed the executive order to allow Indycars to race on the Streets of Washington, everyone is still confused why.
Wehrlein crowned Formula E world champion after completing the remarkable final stage of his title campaign by scoring precisely zero points.
A good reputation is hard to gain and easy to lose. A bad reputation is easy to get and hard to lose.
Wordpress is great if you want a lovely looking and functional site that looks identical to everyone else's
Amazon pride themselves on their great customer service. It's a shame I've been dealing with mongoloids
It's just not possible to ban all people with a beard and pig spunk round their mouths from using the internet
I think I might be thirsty. I would drink some water but I'm afraid it might give me cancer or make me fat.
If you're going to change, change for the better. Don't be like an albino wrecking ball.
Being asked silly questions is almost as annoying as that being on "It's a Small World" at Disneyland with Nicki Minaj.
Never let a monkey wire a plug. It may result in high blood pressure, haemorrhaging and anger management sessions.
Viruses, dead people, Google, Facebook, the ninja arts of Amazon and the increasing smell of Kim Jong Un
Commit a crime, get sent to jail for several years and come out and run for president. That's how it works, right?
Either opticians are cruel and like to humiliate their patients as much as possible, or my optician fancies me.
No weird shots, no curry, no twats ruining everyone else's night by getting drunk and starting a fight and I feel less grumpy.
What is the point in voting for someone who we've never heard of to do a job we know nothing about in an election of no importance?
If King Arthur really did exist and genuinely did come from Tintagel, I conclude he must have been a dwarf.
Sometimes you have to accept when you are past your best and gracefully retire, not go and race in America.
Whether something is coloured red, orange or green isn’t going to stop the majority of people being morons.
Never trust a bunch of self governing cretins who make their own rules and make a living by taking money off people.
If you don't tell me what you want, how the hell do you expect me to know what to do Mr corporate idiot?
To delve into the bowels of this month's problem I am replacing my soapbox with a stool.
It's dangerous out there. There are people with guns and everything. Not fake ones, proper ones.
If I dressed up in a coat made out of panda entrails and then set fire to myself, I'm not convinced people would let me design their website.
Take me out the pasture and shoot me in the head. I'm over the hill and past my prime. But at least I still have my hair
Do we really want to let a bunch of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears? That's just asking for trouble.
How about introducing regulations to prevent Formula 1 drivers from being whiney little bitches and talking nonsense?
If you can't beat them, beat them. Because they will be expecting you to join them so you'll have the element of surprise
Comparing her majesty to Mickey Mouse might be construed as treason. Protesting about her definitely is and should be punishable by death.
Designing something with pockets and then sewing them up is as stupid as putting tape over your mouth and listening to a Cheryl Cole album.
Apparently an IPO is something a little more serious than a LOL, a ROFL and a LMFAO but it all sounds like a load of COCK to me
The problem with being good at something is you become sought after, even if you are a Norfolk country bumpkin.
Although he looks like a cross between a member of a boy band, a thunderbird puppet and a girl, the Scando-German boy has talent.
Hopefully I won't get too engrossed in rubbish kids TV and end up misplacing my future children on holiday. Or take them to the Island of Sodor.
Female dogs, young cats, donkeys and their reproductive organs are amongst the most heinous things on this planet apparently.
A lot of racing drivers are a product of pushy parents. The trouble is some never learn to stand on their own two feet.
A first class example of why we need to stamp out idiots and inbreds can be demonstrated by the postal service.
I'm just passing through because I have to. This shouldn't involve interrogation and anal probes by humourless American officials.
How can moving a plastic white box cost me more money than than the whole country has available to it Mr Frenchie?
I could have been a car designer. I actually came up with the original concept of most modern day cars when I was 8 years old and built them out of Lego.
Not only should strikers be shot, but those who complain about people making jokes about shooting strikers should be shot.
How using a cricket bat with nails hammered into it could be used as a powerful marketing tool to promote a new business venture
3 weeks of fun driving around the spiritual home of my favourite Formula 1 team. It's just a shame none of them can drive.
Dear Santa, please don't let me get crucified, blown up or burnt as a heretic and I promise I'll be a good boy.
If someone offered me free dinner and a party, I would gratefully accept it and not demand any more special privileges.
Do you remember Bugs Bunny sticking his fingers down the end of a shotgun to make it backfire? Well it turns out that doesn't work in real life.
Rather than cutting back on important things like national security, why not cut back on pointless things like government ministers?
With driver aids trying to kill me to death, I say get rid of them all, go back to basics and learn how to drive properly.
No jokes about Blackberry crumbles or how Steve Jobs lived life to the Macs otherwise I won't get into heaven; God has a thing about Apples.
Apparently the most common thing in the Universe is hydrogen. I assure you the most common thing is actually stupidity.
According to a recent survey, breathing is bad for your health. It has been proven that 100% of people who breathe will eventually die.
Although I'm not a violent person, I appreciate that violence has its place in society. Especially when it comes to technology.
Despite being a natural cynic and a grumpy old man, I'm actually a very nice bloke so I'd like to prove this by publicly not ranting.
Cars are designed to be driven, aeroplanes are designed to be flown and films are designed to be watched. So why are seats not designed to be sat in?
It's ironic that a man under investigation for corruption is selling TV rights to a man under investigation for corruption.
There are so many vagaries about what can and cannot be claimed for. Should I have a cup of tea or wipe my arse?
I don't particularly want to start wearing incontinence pants, but if it comes down to it I will. My dignity is at stake.
I find it disappointing to be ranting about a legend like Ayrton Senna. If you find this article disappointing, I'll be even more disappointed.
Oil slicks, exploding tyres, elocution lessons and a theory on how breast implants can improve overtaking in Formula 1.
I like to be productive. I don't ever want to feel like a useless under-achieving waste of time and space. Like an EU bureaucrat for example.
As ever, Nanny-State Nazis are making a complete hash of things by being tree-hugging, fair trade tea drinking, sandal wearing, bearded lesbians.
On balance I think I'd rather sleep with Lenny Henry than a teddy bear with ties to the Mafia.
Government conspiracies, royal weddings, one-armed chimpanzees and internet service providers who are incompetent petty thieves.
I managed to go through my childhood without killing myself so I really don't need some do-gooder telling how to live my adult life.
If people who drive Nissan Micras are the herpes of the road, people who ride Mopeds are the gonorrhoea. People who ride proper bikes are just mentalists.
The disadvantage with working from home is the size of my garden. And the comfortable garden furniture. And the fridge full of cold beer.
Yeah build a wall, of course that will work. While you're at it why not also develop a force field like the ones they have in Star Wars.
If you thought the price of gas was expensive, you should try moving a gas meter. The website is a bit rubbish too.
Movable rear wings, Pirelli tyres and the return of KERS and the 107 percent rule. Bring on another snooze fest!
If anyone has the right to waste my money it's me, not some suited pen-pushing faggot who won't let me recycle food-waste.
I don't defecate fifty pound notes, I don't expect to have to eat in the dark and I expect to be paid when I do work for people.
Push the hard sell all you like but I'm still going to buy Supermarket own brand products. Unless it's toilet paper.
Newspeak, Big Brother and harsh punishments for exercising freedom of speech. Now that would make a good book.
Surely the best piece of advice for anyone attempting to lose weight in the New Year would be to get off their fat, lazy arse and stop eating.
In the black and gold corner we have Lotus Renault and in the green and gold corner we have Lotus Renault. Let’s get ready to rumble.
Whilst honesty is the best policy, sometimes it is necessary to lie; both in business and when you're being watched by the CIA.
How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Well that very much depends on the car.
Asking a web designer to fix your computer is like asking a taxi driver to service your car.
The irony of me sharing my opinion on people sharing is not lost on me but people on Facebook don't want to know about your genital warts.
Can someone please invent a function on the TV to turn up the intelligence level? There is one labelled 'Brightness' but it doesn't work.
Fortunately Thanksgiving is only an American celebration because litigation culture, obesity and friendly fire is about all we have to thank America for.
The idea of exploring the final frontier in a galaxy far, far away is all jolly nice and all that if only space wasn't such a big problem.
An afternoon of fun and games shouting at a Leprechaun whilst listening to classical music on my phone.
Any idiot can drive fast in a straight line but it takes skill to corner quickly. It takes pure genius to build a car that can do it.
If using a mobile phone is supposed to give me a brain tumour, does that mean I'll develop testicular cancer if I carry it around in my pocket?
If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, why is it they have such difficulty driving and parking at the same time?
He may have been a robot but R2-D2 was still probably the coolest character in Star Wars. Not that I'm drawing any comparisons or anything.
I really don’t want to sound like one of these doomsayers but I’m sure my iPhone is going to murder me horribly in my sleep.
When I'm writing an algebraic equation whilst simultaneously learning Latin and playing chess, the last thing I want to do is speak to you.
Spending an evening being robbed, spit on, molested, shouted at, deafened and stabbed is hardly how I want to spend my Friday night.
I know Santa Claws doesn't really exist but that won't stop me telling my children the tall tale about a fat man coming down a chimney.
Maybe it won’t be the computers that rise up and take over after all. Perhaps customers will kill off all intelligent life first.
How bad has education become that a bloke who didn't pick up a book until he was 20 is writing an article educating people on grammar?
I've been in many uncomfortable situations in my life but nothing could prepare me for the awkwardness of being in the company of Mr Flibble from the planet Zobb!
Call me paranoid, but the thought of giving the son of a Libyan dictator access to that amount of flammable liquid just fills me with terror.
Let's face it, if the Beatles were around today they would not have achieved the same success with the song 'Kindle writer'.
Embellishment, talking bollocks and a pretentious nature are key to ensuring a long and successful career in the modern age.
Sending a subliminal message to all advertisers out there: Stop wasting your money on pointless TV ads. Advertise on Google and earn me some money!
Quit while you’re still vaguely ahead. That would have been the 1994 Australian Grand Prix then.
Strategic planning, stop for coffee and then end with a string of clichés before actively contemplating suicide. Welcome to the board!
She had a face like an arse, she was obviously a slag with no self control and she really needs to work on her left hook. Welcome to Essex!
Far be it from me to have a pop at the Americans but I can't help wondering if NASCAR stands for Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks.
I've been called lots of things in my time, from arrogant to ugly. Still, things could be worse; I could be a consultant!
For all you millions of geeks out there who are waiting for the iPhone to incorporate Flash, you are wasting your time.
22 effeminate grown men with perms chasing a leather ball around on a grass lawn? I would rather watch the grass grow.
Hopefully the British people have truly had enough so not even the Sun newspaper will be able to convince anyone to vote for this mad man.
He was the greatest driver of his generation but can an old man who's been out for 3 years take on the new breed?
The internet is crawling with nasty, thieving conmen. Well I've developed a unique, ingenious and rather satisfying way of dealing with them.
To pee or not to pee; that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous charges, or to take arms against extortionists and, by opposing, end them.
I'm usually pretty good when it comes to Formula 1 predictions but the one driver who I can never successfully predict is Jenson Button.
It’s not like me to spout philosophical nonsense but I liken the Internet to life itself; it’s full of entertainment, knowledge, viruses and lots of sex.
Have you ever tried explaining quantum physics and philosophy to a monkey? I guarantee it’s easier than explaining anything to a customer.
To save myself the aggravation of lawsuits, I am going to hire an old, fat, black, disabled, homosexual ginger woman to raise my children.
It's a straight fight between the Brits and the Germans with a challenge from Austria. The last time this happened things got rather messy!
There are some things in this world that we have no control over, especially when one is enjoying a nice Jacuzzi in the heart of Shakespeare country.
When Google do eventually take over the world, I want to be the first to own up and say I will happily take on the role of evil henchman.
It’s time to break out the pipe and slippers because I’m fast approaching thirty and already I’m confused by the youth of today.
New Year Sale now on: Come into our country and blow us all up and we'll give you a house, a car and stick you on benefits for as long as you want.
I have only one word to describe the nasty, greedy bankers and evil economists of this world and ironically that word rhymes with banker.
Instead of the Americans reforming their health system, perhaps they should think about reforming their diet and general lifestyle.
Breaking and entering, loitering with intent to entice children, cruelty to animals and drink driving is just the tip of the ice berg.
I am entering the 21st Century and launching myself firmly onto the Internet Information Super-Bypass!
Please stop talking to me like you're my best friend. I've never met you and have no idea who you are!
I spent over a decade of my life in Education and what was the most important lesson I learned? That it is a complete waste of time.
No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, if they do say Jehovah!
Most of them have no talent whatsoever and why in the name of Greek buggery do they insist on naming their poor children after fruits of the forest?
Stop this nanny state rubbish and accept responsibility for yourself. Oh and stop eating, it's damaging the environment!
They hog the pavement, they terrorise pedestrians in those horrible buggies, they walk slowly and they smell of cabbage!